Mental running

I have to pick a picture for my Uberman profile. I was thinking I should pick one of me in my who rocks suit. I also like this one, cause I am smiling a little more. But I don't have the braids in that I always race in since I was doing a relay in the picture. I look really buff in this picture too. Almost Uber...
I wanted to order a cute suit from Splish for march that was pink with clovers on it. Last week at the pool one of the little girls on the swim team was already wearing it. I'm not sure I will buy it now. I will feel like a dork. It's okay if they copy me. I just can't copy them. I haven't seen it, but Genine says that one of the little girls has my cat swimsuit now. Some of the moms were asking me where I got it. So, instead of the lucky suit, I will get something else. I know what I want, but I am not saying. Don't want any 10 year olds stealing my ideas :)

There is a singer named Princess Maija. Who would have guessed that!

I ran 2 miles this morning. That is it. With some strides. My legs actually feel a little heavy from not doing much this week. They always feel that way when I rest. Sort of my fault for resting to the extreme and not doing my run workout on Tuesday because I couldn't wake up. And taking Wednesday off to get my hair done.

I have been coughing a little just now. I hope I am ok. I really don't want to get sick. I got a cold and then bronchitis last March.

My track meet is tomorrow afternoon. In a moment of weakness I said I would come into work in the morning. What? How is that even doable? I have to be in South Jersey to race at 1:30. I have to think about what time I need to leave and what is realistic. Think McFly, Think!

My track meet will be interesting. My seed times were guesses. I am one of the lowest seeds. I really don't know what to expect. I don't expect to be extremely fast right now, but I know I have natural running ability and once I get in a race I will want to compete. I am deep down a competitor. When it is time to race, I want to. This meet is to help me get back into that competitive spirit. I have been doing a lot of workouts alone and need to get used to reacting to what other people are doing, what they are thinking. When I was not as good at swimming, the triathlon run was just a fun run of passing people like crazy. Now it is turning back into more of a head to head race and I need to sharpen my head to head running skills. It is more of a mental game again. This will be good practice for that.

The mental part of running is one of the hardest parts of running for most people and can be for me sometimes. Should I pass this person? Should I wait awhile? What if they pass me back? Just go for it! No, I can't, they'll pass me back, I can't hold it to the end. No, you can do it, they're tired, listen to their feet, they sound heavy...It goes on and on. Or...They passed me, can I hold on? I'm too tired. Why did THEY pass me. I'm just gonna slow down more, what's the point if that person passed me. Ugh. Yeah, I think some of this stuff. It's constantly running through my head in a race, sometimes I wish I could just move along at a constant pace with a quiet brain. But, it doesn't work that way. I just have to harness the good positive thoughts and use those instead of the bad ones. So tomorrow my goal is not time based, but to have positive thoughts during my 3 races. I am going to write down some positive things to think during my races and see how it works so maybe I can use them in my goal races.

Princess Maija

As it has been said before, it is my recovery week. And recover I am. Maybe too much. I slept in again this morning. Not on purpose! Then I went to schedule a hair appointment for tomorrow to spoil myself on my off day traning, but could only get in with my hair stylist today, so okay, why not. 2 + hours of highlights and hair cutting later, I was done. So today was my off day. And now I have my highlights and shorter hair.



I want to go get a manicure and pedicure tomorrow or Friday. Something to match the top I am wearing for my track meet.

I definitely end up spoiling myself a bit during recovery weeks. This has turned into a princess week. Sleep all you need to. Do things to be pretty. Do things to have fun. Take care of me. Take more time to prepare the better healthier meals. Schedule the massage. Every week needs to be a little like princess week. I need to take care of myself all the time. Get all my rest, eat right, do things for me, but without having to drop my workouts and my toughness to do it. It's okay to be a princess as long as you aren't a cupcake :) Right Matt?

I swam yesterday and had a pretty good swim. I swam after work and had a short workout. Only 2000m!
4x100-50 sw, 50 kick
8x50-25 fist drill, 25 swim
5x200 on 3:30
200cd
On the 2000's this guy was sharing a lane with me. First off, he was wearing a speedo. Ugh. Only a few people in the world that I want to see in a speedo. He wasn't one of them, thanks. When I would start my 200, he would start swimming. Swim right next to me at the exact same pace (thanks for the constant view of the speedo). Swim 100. Start over at the 3:30. Somehow I doubt his workout called for 100's on 3:30 precisely. He could have at least asked, hey, do you mind if I swim along with you. Geez! Anyway, he only swam 3 of these with me then was done. So I guess it wasn't that bad. Maybe I am just a snobby princess.

Track

I finally got my entry sent in for the USATF-NJ Indoor Track and Field Championships. I sent it in the mail, and of course later realized I could have done it online. Ugh. How annoying. I looked at the athletes currently signed up. Not many. Hopefully everyone else waited until the last minute like me. Or I may be getting my ass beat be little girls in the 1500. The only time I ever wished I was older. If I was just 30, I could move to the "masters" category, race the 1500 earlier in the day and not against hs girls. Anyway. So I signed up for the 800, for something to fill the time and to work on my Uber speed. So I am in the 3000m, 800m and the 1500m. I haven't raced on an indoor track since I was 18. Should be interesting. I pulled up some of my track/cross country photos from hs. I will have to break out the scanner for the actual running ones.This is my Junior year of track I think. I'm not sure why they made even the distance runners pose next to the hurdle. There's no way I could get over that thing. I was so pale! That's what happens after a long winter in MI and then, hey, lets take photos in April.
This is my Senior year cross country photo. I think I forgot to bring my shoes with me. For real. There was a reason I didn't wear shoes. Other people did. It may have had to do with me always wanting to be a little different. And that I liked running barefoot in the grass. But I'm pretty sure I forgot my shoes too.

The meet should be fun, but a little lonely. No one wanted to go race with me. But I am good at making friends everywhere I go, and I can bring my study stuff.

Yesterday was a great day, but exhausting. I swam in the morning. 2600m.
300 wu
100-200-300-400-400-300-200-100 with short rests
300 cd

Took time to study at work. I have 80 days left to study as of today!

Therapy was great. I read my letter. All 6 pages. Some parts were hard, but it felt good to get it all out there, and then talk about it. I left feeling lighter and good. I often cry on the way home. I had a smile on my face and felt good the whole way. I felt good for me. I didn't call any friends. I just felt the happiness for myself. I was tired and went to bed before 9. I woke up a few times but slept pretty well. I feel like I made a huge step.

Let It Go

My training for the week is done and I am beginning a recovery week tomorrow. I missed one workout this week, but other than that I did pretty well. I am tired and sore and ready to rest up and let my body get strong.

I slept a lot today. I am not sure if it counts as multiple naps, or just one long one with a few interruptions. The dogs went to Mark's in Princeton yesterday for an overnight visit. Sort of like kids. I missed them so much, but it did allow me to get a lot done. I was able to wash the sheets and blankets without Frito sitting on them when I try to take them off and then not budging from the bed when I put them back on. I was able to put the dog toys away with out them immediately being removed from the toy basket. Much easier to vacuum this way. No dogs running from the vacuum. After my cleaning fest, I sat down and finished writing my closure letter to Mark. I think its done. I feel much better. It is 6 pages long. I will bring it to therapy tomorrow and talk through it. Just getting all the things in there out of me made me feel so much better. It helped not having the dogs here, because Cooper often barks at me when I sit at the computer for a long time. He also barks when I am emotional. He would have been barking. And I probably would have stopped writing.

Anyway, I was up late. I finished writing around 10:00 and ended up staying up past midnight. No naps yesterday. I woke up around 7 this morning. No doggies to walk. Talked on the phone, ate breakfast, was on the computer, went back to sleep. I got back up at 9:00 to greet the doggies when they got back. They had a great time in Princeton. They got a fun hand puppet Tiger toy at pet store. They walked all over campus and peed on everything. And Frito pooped awkwardly on a fence in true Frito style. They were wiped out. So we napped. I set my alarm to get up to work out at noon. Turned it off. I got up at some point and added some info on my Facebook. I don't have any clue what time that was. I was half asleep. I went back to sleep. I finally got up to do my workout at around 4:00 pm. 90 mins bike with some harder gear intervals and then a 20 min run off the bike. My legs felt crummy on the bike, but good on the run. Peppy almost. The last song on my bike ride was "Let It Go" by Tim McGraw (okay a few seconds of Britney Spears burst on after this, so it was the second to last song). I first heard this song on the radio a few months ago and started crying and singing along. I know it may be cheesy, but honestly with where I am right now, with what I am putting behind me, this song says just how I feel.


Let It Go

I’ve been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It’s hard when the devil won’t get off your back
It’s like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

Today I’m gonna keep on walking
I’m gonna hold my head up high
I’m gonna leave it all behind
Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes, they all know my name
But I’m through holding in and holding onto all that pain

Today I’m gonna keep on walking
I’m gonna hold my head up high
Got No more tears to cry
Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah

And I know I know I know I know I’ve been forgiven
I know I know I know I’m gonna start living
Today I’m gonna keep on walking
I’m gonna hold my head up high
I’m gonna leave it all behind
Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
Oh yeah


I feel so much better having finished the letter, signing the papers, and moving forward with my life this week. I am ready to let go of the pain that I had. Let go of the hurt. Let go of the guilt. I am ready to move forward with my life and focus on me. Focus on the happiness I have to look forward to and the goodness I have in my life right now.

Toughen Up Cupcake!

The words of Matt Carlson as I sat by the pool today whining about how my shoulders were going to hurt if I did all the paddle work in my workout and how it was too vague. I had glanced over it a few days ago. I saw 1500m worth of pull with paddles with 15x100's interspersed in there thinking I understood the workout at first glance. I was a little concerned about the pull with paddles, especially the pulling because my technique gets bad and my left shoulder hurts, but I was excited to work on my strength. I had mentioned the workout to Coach Joe and he mentioned that I should be careful doing that much pull with paddle not to injure my shoulders, especially if they were already hurting a little. I had a mini freak out at the pool, took a long time to get in, got the "Toughen up cupcake!" from Matt, and realized, maybe I should start the workout and if my shoulders started to hurt, I would worry about it then. And, I would do my best to interpret the workout.

200 wu nice and easy
4x100 build on 2:00 in around 1:40 for all 4
500 with paddles. I didn't use the pull buoy at all. First I would freeze my a$$ off. And, I talked to Joe about it and asked why my rotation is so messed up with it. He said when I use the pull buoy I am rotating through my shoulders more and holding my head higher (why my legs are lower when I have pb as opposed to regular swimming). I don't swim like this without pb. I rotate through my hips and don't hold my head as high so my legs don't sink. So, I really didn't want to swim long distances with pb, because I have trouble swimming with good form with it, and it is not real swimming.
5x100 on 2:00 in around 1:45 for all 5--first 75 easy good form, last 25 fast
400 paddles (shoulders feel ouch, in a time to take a break from the paddles way)
4x100 on 2:00 in around 1:40 for all--neg split
300--100 pull w/ kick board between legs (make sure the board is waving back and forth), 100 swim, 100 pull with kickboard
3x100 on 2:00 in around 1:35 for all 25 easy, 75 fast
200 kick (shoulders said, take a break)
2x100 on 1:50 in 1:31, 1:33
100 paddles
100 in 1:30
100 cd
3700m total

Then I did some abs and stretching. This was the pm workout.

I know I need to toughen up sometimes. Push through the soreness. Stop being so cautious. Sometimes it is just an excuse. I don't want to hurt myself or get sick or over trained. It is better to be under trained than over trained and injured, I agree with that. And sometimes it is important to listen to your body. But, my body also wants to be comfortable. It doesn't want to be sore, or do different things. I need to be tough. I need to stop thinking and do. I need to 'get stupid'. With a teeny bit of caution and good judgement.

I met Matt and Todd at 6 am (okay...6:05), at Todd's which thankfully is only a few mins away from my house, for a long run. The plan was 80 mins with 15 mins tempo at the end. We did a lightly rolling course. They have been punishing themselves with killer hills on Saturday mornings, so this was easy for them. I had to keep my hr in zones 1 and 2, so I had to turn in to grandma pace on some of the uphills. That's ok though. We ran out to the Readington Walmart and back. Exciting. My hr monitor watch stopped timing and started then stopped. For 90 mis of running, it recorded less than 43. Kinda makes me wonder how much I have really been running? And it beeps constantly which is really annoying. So, we did 65 mins easy, then 15 mins zone 3 (I went a little higher into zone 4), then 10 more mins easy. Then I ran the dogs a little when I got home. Then off for a morning at work.

And, another step towards finalizing the divorce. My part is done until the court date. Mark was dropping the papers off at the lawyers office today. He came to pick up Frito and Cooper to take them for an overnight visit. I miss them after them being gone just a few hours. Here's me and the doggies in front of the house in the spring. Not sure why they had their noses in the air. Maybe they are stuck up because they have the world's best dog mommy.

Ice cream

I have been busy and a little stressed the last couple days. I am still hitting the snooze on my alarm. The problem is, I live alone (doggies don't count, because they are happy to stay asleep through the alarm). No one cares if I hit snooze for 1 hour straight. No one yells at me to turn the stupid alarm off anymore. I still haven't made the adjustment. And using my cell phone alarm doesn't help much either. I can hit snooze in my sleep and curl up and sleep with the alarm in my hand.

Anyway. I still did my workouts on Thursday and Friday. I did strength training on Thursday morning, instead of biking because I snoozed too much. But I biked after work, 1:15 with some high cadence intervals and big gear intervals.

Work was crazy stressful. Everyone seemed really stressed. I was really stressed. But I didn't get a migraine or a stomach ache. So that's good.

This morning, I snoozed too much but I still did my 45 min easy run with 8x30 second strides. It was so windy and cold. My running form felt good though, and my legs were only a little tired from the bike ride.

After work I met Esther at the Y to swim. It took me a little bit to get my technique going, but I felt really good swimming today. I got the pull buoy out of the bin, but, I didn't use it today, even though the workout called for it. I forgot the workout in the car and realized it after I was in my suit and on the deck. I asked the coach on deck, hey, you think I should go for it? He didn't think it was a good idea...ha ha. Before I asked him, I was considering running outside in sub 30 weather in my swimsuit to get my workout out of the car. I remembered most of it.
400 wu-mixed in back and breast (remembered what I was supposed to do during cd)
100 kick
200 IM
300 w/ paddles
400 in 6:10 felt good!
300-100 pull with kick board between legs, 100 sw, 100 pull w/ kb
200 free in 3:03 felt relaxed and good
100 kick
500 cd w/ 4x50 stroke count, 100 8-3-8, 200 kicking/talking w/Esther
2500m total

Then, food time! Esther and I went to Wegmans and got food and more food. Dangerous when hungry, but mostly healthy. I had yellow bell peppers for my appetizer, then we had English muffin pizzas, and huge ice cream sundaes. Esther wanted those for the first course, but, I thought healthy stuff should come first.
We had 2 kinds of ice cream--cookie dough and moose tracks, whipped cream, cherries and hot fudge. We made sure to use my biggest bowls.Yummy!

I didn't realize we were suppose to eat it without the spoons!
And then I tried to eat it all at once! Silly girls!
And Frito found caught the excitement of the ice cream and like he does to most of my visitors when something exciting is going on, he tried to hump Esther's leg. And I managed to catch it on camera. Ha! Frito gone wild part, I don't know, maybe 4?

February Randomness

When I came home today the power was off. So, I thought it was a good idea to eat 3 slices of American Cheese for dinner since it was the only thing I could see with my cell phone light in the fridge. Don't worry, now that the power is on, I am eating real food. Note, I ate this cheese dinner, up in my bed under the covers. It was cold.

I got up to go swim this morning. After snoozing a lot. And it took me forever to get there. Somehow, when I got to the pool deck, the clock read 7:00 am. I looked at the clock. Read my workout. Saw the pulling, and the distance. Put my cap on. Shivered. Put my toe in the pool. Stared at the pool and the people swimming for awhile. Looked at the clock. Took my cap off. Got up and walked back into the locker room. And showered and went to work.

Yesterday we had a meeting at work where our CEO talked about where the company is headed in 2009. One thing he mentioned is that we are each responsible for our own career development and for moving our careers forward. Or something along those lines. So, today, I got back on my study plan. It is really easy to get caught up in all the work that has to be done. No one but me is going to tell me to take my study time. They are happy if I skip it to work more. I need to be responsible for myself and take it. It is good for everyone if I pass my exams.

I swam after work.
600 wu
200 pull breathing every 5 and I did flip turns with a pull buoy for the first time. They were ugly, but I did them!
4x50 on 1:00 in :50, :48, :45, and then an easy back to breast
2x300 pull breathing every 5 (w/ flip turns!) only took :15 rest because I was starting to shiver. My left shoulder and rotator cuff I think and lat were starting to hurt. Not sore, hurt towards the end. My technique is weird when I pull. I have trouble rotating. It's ugly. I go slow. I never understood how people go faster with the pull buoy.
4x150-this was supposed to be broken up by next race pace, faster, sprint. I am a one speed wonder. I did my best...
4x50 stroke count (I tried to count, but at this point I was circle swimming with an old man that does elementary back stroke for 2 hours at a time and a guy that was at about 2:00/100m pace. It was interesting).
8x25 on :30 3 fast, 1 easy
100cd
2700m total

I was so cold. I really wanted a hot shower. The showers were cold. Again. I started yelling in the shower. I think I restrained from yelling any obscenities, but I was yelling pretty loud "I am so sick of this!!!!" It has been months. Cold water most of the time in the showers. The aquatics director there has shown himself to be extremely non helpful on other issues. I am assuming the lack of attention to this issue is in large part due to his complete and total incompetence. It has been months!

I want to do something fun this weekend. I want to see that Confessions of a Shopaholic movie. Go shopping with Esther for hot dresses. I want to go dancing sometime. Except we're all worried it is going to make up tired for training the next day :) I want to make bread pudding and rice pudding. Esther is doing the 100x100 the next weekend. She needs to start carbo loading this weekend with bread pudding she says! I also want to get lots and lots of rest!

I think I talk to my dogs a lot. I hope I am not the only one.

"I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself."-Mikhail Baryshnikov

Moving on

Frito is crying. It is always difficult for him when Mark comes over and leaves. He used to sit on the couch staring at the door, waiting for Mark to get home from work. I felt a little bad when I said that I wanted to have the dogs, but, I didn't think he would be able to put the time in that they deserved. He never had before. And, I really was the one who took the most care of them and loved them. I was the one that wanted to get them. They really were my dogs.

Mark came over tonight. And he showed up on time. It was nice to have my voice heard for once. I biked this morning 30 mins easy but didn't do my run. I am quite sore still. That is ok. I had some important things to take care of. I thought we were going to do the taxes. I guess Mark just wanted to pick up my tax documents so he could do it himself. Ok. Fine. Then we had to go over parts of the divorce paperwork. Final stuff. Then we split our investment accounts. I appreciated him coming up and going through this with me. It was a good step in helping me move on. It helped me see some of his good qualities again, but remind me that this is a good decision.


“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

New Shoes

Today turned out to be a pretty good day. I slept in a little, woke up a little sore as expected from my weekend of crazy workouts. Mostly my butt and my shoulders. I planned to get to the pool at 6:15. Somehow, I ended up there at 6:45. I really used to get places on time. I'm not sure when I started getting places late, but I would like to start being punctual again. Part of it has to do with hitting the snooze button instead of popping up right out of bed like a pop tart. And part of it is not getting ready the night before like I used to. And some is the dogs or traffic taking longer than I expect. So, I need to start planning to get places early again, so if something happens, I am at least on time.

Esther and Aaron were there to do a 5000m swim. Not me. Not today! Esther ended up swimming 6000m! Go Esther go! I swam next to them and occasionally used their pace to push myself. Since I was tardy I only had time for part of my workout because I scheduled a massage for 8. Didn't want to miss that! I did 1950m total. I had soreness, but my stroke felt good.
400 wu w/ back and breast mixed in
200 kick
5x100m on 2:00 all in 1:35 (to keep the arithmetic (note I don't say math here) easy)
5x75 25 easy, 50 hard w/ :20 rest
5x75 50 kick, 25 fast w/ :15 rest
100 cd

Work was good. Only a couple of us there and quiet. My boss came in late, said he was sick, and told us not to stay the whole day. I was pretty tired, so I wasn't going to argue, and went home just before 12:30.

And I FINALLY got my new running shoes. I went to Runner's Pace in Bedminster. You know its a good store when you walk in the door and the owner pulls out the shoes you want in your size. I don't even remember the name of shoes that I wear. But they do. And that's why I like going there. Every time I go in there, they usually bring out some shoes that might work for me, but I usually settle on the same ones. Saucony something... I have worn the same type of Sauconys for training for as long as I can remember. And almost every year of triathlon, I have raced in them. Some of my running shoes have been retired to that long running trail in the sky, but some are still around. I have a hard time letting them go. There are currently 8 pairs in the house right now. From left to right: 1) An old training pair, I can't remember if they were right before the red ones or before the pink ones. 2)Recently recently retired reds...not to be worn ever again I think. 3) New reds, just picked up today! 4)Pink trainers, either before the reds or the blues. 5)My XC spikes. Maybe will see if I can use these for indoor track meet if I get smaller spikes. 6)My current racing flats--pretty hot! 7)Shoes I raced in for the 2003 triathlon season. Not sure why I don't want to throw these out. 8)part of 2006 and 2007 racers. I had the same pair for some of 2005 and 2006. I accidentally left them at a race in CT in 2006. After I ran under 41 mins for 10k off the bike and then injured my foot so bad that I couldn't walk for a week. Partly cause I was wearing old shoes...

Cooper wanted to model next to the shoes. Unfortunately I did not get the shot of him sniffing the shoes.


I got to take a nap this afternoon. Much needed. And then I woke up super sore. Legs, shoulders, my butt! Darn massage. Oh well.

Then off to therapy. I am getting better at setting and holding my boundaries. I have recognized my need to move on. I need to finish writing my letter to mark. For my own closure. I think I have been putting it off because it will be difficult and painful. I have been busy, but not so busy that I couldn't have done it. It just takes a lot out of me. Writing the first part took a lot out of me. I need to confront him for things he has done that have hurt me, look at the things that I have done, and look at the pain that I have gone through. I don't think I will give it to him. At least not the full version. This letter will be for me.

Spending time with my parents this weekend and talking in therapy made me realize and remember just how critical Mark was of me. I know I have so many wonderful qualities, but it was very hard to be pulled down and criticized and rarely complimented by the person who you expect to hear this from. I am happy that I know that I am beautiful, intelligent, and worthwhile. It would have been hard had I not had that confidence in myself.

And I had to go to the dentist. Ugh. A small cavity. Yuck!

I took some pictures of the "Evil Eye" Bracelet. Photography is not my strong point.

A little blurry.

I try to simultaneously model the bracelet and pet Cooper. He yawns...
Too blurry to see the evil eyes?Can you see them here?
Bye Bye

"Change always comes bearing gifts"-Prince Pritchett

This week

Well, it's the end of the weekend. Sort of. My weekend should be extending through tomorrow, but there is too that needs to be done, and I agreed to come in tomorrow for work silly me. I will be taking it as a vacation day later in the year. For some reason Saturdays we don't do that with, but if we work on company holidays we can???? Ok...I have overbooked myself for the day. A massage in the morning. My IT bands, left Achilles are aching a little and my hamstrings are still a little pissed off after my bike ride/strength training extravaganza last week. A massage is much needed. This is after my morning swim, then off to work. Therapy, then late for a dentist appointment. I may try to move therapy to earlier, or the dentist to later. I don't like the dentist.

I did a lot of training this weekend. I missed some training on Friday and Thursday with my parents here and work, so I moved it to Saturday and Sunday. It went well. I napped and ate well and recovered well from Saturday and Sunday morning and hopefully from Sunday afternoon. So, what did I do? Yesterday I wrote about my good swim.

Saturday pm: 1:15 bike with single leg drills and then cadence drills, then to a 30 min run. Nothing too hard, just good base work.

Sunday: This brick was supposed to be on Thursday, and it looked fun. It was quite confusing for the dogs. It started with 15 mins on the bike ending at my zone 3 hr (which makes my legs tired!), then a crazy transition putting winter running clothes on. Out for a mile run at 10k pace. I took the dogs for the first run. They were good sports, but, well, they need to stop occasionally. Not as much as normal, but still. Then back for 15 more mins on the bike, first, strip off all the winter clothes down to sports bra and shorts. 5 mins tempo, 5 mins ez, 5 mins zone 2, back in the winter clothes, sorry doggies, you can't come along, I need to go fast. Another 1 mile (approx. 1 mile around the block) in 6 mins. Then back on the bike for 15 mins, then out for another loop around the block, this time in around 6:10. Then 10 mins easy on the bike.
I headed out for breakfast with my parents then got a good nap in. Before swimming and strength training in the pm. I swam with Paul for most of the workout. 60x50's. With varying rests and speeds and focuses. I was wiped by the end of the strength training. My legs were the most tired.

This coming week I am going to try my very best to stick to my training schedule.

Also, Mark and I have planned to meet Tuesday to do our taxes and go over some final divorce stuff so we can get every thing done and over. It was supposed to be done over a month ago. He may be moving to TX soon for his job. That was a concern of mine when we were married. I guess I didn't like that he expected that I was going to move anywhere for his job. That his job and his career were always the most important thing in the marriage. So it seems appropriate that with the marriage over he move to TX. He is in Princeton now, but maybe it will be even easier for him to start over if he is in a new state, with a new life. It might be easier for me, without him asking to come up to visit the dogs and then not showing up, or saying he can't make it because he is too busy with work. I do not invite him, he asks, and then he doesn't show up. It reminds me too much of the pain I feel from the marriage and I do not want to deal with this anymore. But honestly, I feel a little bad. I got the dogs, the house, almost everything. So I feel like, maybe he is lonely and I should let him visit the dogs. But then he lets me down, like he always did. So, this week, I need to stop letting this bother me. Move past it. Let it go. It can't hurt me anymore.

Happy Valentines Day

My schedule has been a little off the last couple days with my parents visit. I have been making sure to spend time with them, but also take time for myself. I am taking a nap soon and then my afternoon workout. How I love a nap followed with a workout.

Yesterday started with a super slow 40 minute run. Cooper was along for the whole thing to keep it slow. He is good at that :) Work was rough. I have some interesting projects that I am working on, but they are all super high priority and it seems like everyone has different ideas about which one needs to be done first. So, I feel like I am being pulled in three different directions. Occasionally four. I really just wanted to focus on something and get it done. It was so hard to focus because the girl in the cube next to me was complaining out loud to herself all day about what she was working on and even my earphones weren't drowning it out. I was so frustrated. On top of that, Mark was emailing me about coming up to do taxes and paper work which really made me mad. He has done this 2x before and he sets a time and never shows up or calls. And he excuse is that he is too busy with work. I am done being treated the way I was in the marriage. I don't need to be feeling this stuff when I am at work. I started crying and getting upset. I emailed him back and said something along the lines of, "you know my parents are visiting this weekend and I don't have time to do this until next week. Any night next week or weekend is fine. If you set a day and time to come over, make sure you show up on time. Now please stop bothering me at work with this at work it is upsetting me." Rough day. He is one of those people that says he is sorry, but it doesn't mean anything. He keeps repeating the same action. When he doesn't show up, he says sorry. Those are just empty words. It even hurts to hear them after awhile. Just do what you said you were going to do, and stop always thinking about yourself, that is how you show you are sorry.

Today has been much better. I met Esther to swim. She is right around my pace now.
250 swim
250 kick
250 pull
250 drill
Then the hard stuff...
4x{100 on 1:40, 200 tempo pace, 100 back} the 100's were 1:31, 1:32, 1:33, 1:31 for me, then 200's were 3:20 (too relaxed!!!), 3:14, 3:13, 3:17 (tired!) I have trouble getting my speed up right now, but could maintain pace better on the 200's--Esther was a little ahead on the 100's, but I could pull away a little on the 200's. It was fun swimming with her. On the flip turns we would turn and face each other and smile.
Aaron and Coach Matt were swimming in the next lane. Some other crazy set, so it was good at times to try to keep up with them, or not get caught by them. Having fast people around is always good.
5x50 descend w/ :15 rest not sure of the times, but these felt good
6x25 no breath odds (freaked out, could not relax on these today, did 1 breath) and sighting evens
200 cd
3200m total

Afterwards we stretched and chatted, then I went shopping with my parents at Banana Republic and Crate and Barrel. My dad was a little bored at BR. My mom and I got a lot of clothes to try on and accidentally came out of the dressing room in matching blue v-neck sweaters! We ended up getting a few matching things--the blue v-neck sweaters with white tank to go underneath and cute lavender t-shirts with satin collars. I also got some new pants for work, a dark purple v neck dress, a pink sweater, and a black tank top. I found an area rug I like at Crate and Barrel but want to think about how it will look in the living room first. I want to do some redecorating, because Mark picked a lot of thing out, and some of them, I don't like all that much. It's my house, and it's time to make it mine!

Oh yeah, and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY everyone.

Evil Eye

This morning Freddy gave me a bracelet. I must have given him a strange look. Was he going to ask me to the prom next? He he :) The he explained what it was for. One of his friends had given it to him awhile back. It was to protect against people who are jealous or say things about me. Then later he printed off the official explanation.

"Throughout the Mediterranean and Middle East, many people believe envious gazes or high praise from others can bring you bad luck.

The people who praise you probably mean you no harm, but still, evil spirits can piggyback in on their words or looks, and put a bad luck curse on you.

The Nazar Boncuk charm (or Evil Eye Bead) is an "eye", often set on a blue background. It stares back at the world to ward off the evil spirits and keep you safe from harm. It is one of the most common items of decoration in any Turkish home, in any car, or on any person. You can see the charm hanging above doorways, dangling from the wrists of young women, or even planted right into the cement outside modern office buildings.

And always, always, you will see them pinned to the shirts of newborn babies."

So now I have a cool bracelet with eyes's on it to keep me safe. What a great friend.

I was having a rough morning. Frito peed on the floor. He was thirsty last and I knew it was a bad idea to let him keep drinking but it seemed mean to make him stop and even though I let him out before bed, he still had an "accident". I was late to swim with Matt and did my 300 wu, 2x5x100 of pull shivering the whole time even though I shortened the rest to :10 and was going hard and kicking a little to get my hr up to stay warm. Then 2x(200, 4x50} kick with fins warmed me up a little. I kicked hard. Must get warm! Some sculling while I kicked for 200, but I couldn't enjoy it too much, fear of getting cold. Then 4x50 kick, no fins. I look up at the clock 7:30!!!!! Shoot. I should be out of the pool by now. I look at the workout. Next in line--Main set. WTF?! I didn't even get to the main set because I was floundering around and shivering with the pull buoy and wiping up Frito's piss. I got out of the pool upset and frustrated and well, a little cold. I texted coach Joe that I was frustrated and he suggested I swim at Somerville which is really warm. No good. Too warm for anything except pull. Maybe too warm even for that. They keep it up at 88 I think. Hillsboro? It is in between from what I remember. Mid to low 80's? It is out of my way from work. But maybe just on days when I have ridiculously long amounts of pull buoy stuff or drills or anything that makes me so cold that it takes away from my ability to swim.

My parents are here from MI. We went for a quick dinner at IHOP. Nothing too exciting. They are going into the city tomorrow to renew my mom's Finnish passport at the Finnish consulate and then spending time there while I work. I am happy to have them here, but making sure that I am getting all the time I need for myself.

I am pretty sure I don't have to work this weekend! Even President's Day. It is a company holiday, but usually the actuaries work it anyway. I don't think we are this year. I hope not!

It is really really windy. Frito is sitting on Cooper's bed and Cooper is pissed!

I like Valentine's Day. It doesn't bother me that I am single. I got cards for some of my friends. I like all the cute little candies. I like pink and red. I like flowers. I may go buy myself some.

Big Scary Skipping Monster

It was warm this morning. 40 or warmer when I left the house to run in the dark. I had an easy 45 min run along with some "hill skips". I was going to attempt to do them with Frito. So, after running a couple miles easy with both dogs, we dropped Cooper off at home and headed back to a less traveled neighborhood with a nice hill to skip up. "Hi, Good morning, my dog and I are here to skip up the hill in your lovely quiet suburban neighborhood!" Every time I started to skip, Frito would look back at me in terror like I was some big scary skipping monster. All 8 times. But, I did it. Frito did not skip.

I had a bad stomach ache at work again today. I think it may be anxiety/stress because it seems to go away once I get home. It feels like there is someone rubbing a cheese grater on the inside of my stomach. We also have a different kind of "creamy topping" for lattes at work. It is supposed to just be different packaging, but they taste different. It could be that...

I am eating better, but at home too. So I would think that the stomach ache would extend to at home too if that was it. I haven't had donuts all week, I am having less candy, much more protein and veggies, eating soon after workouts.

I still had my stomach ache when I did my running drills after work, but they were still fun. I love doing running drills. I parked at the Y, changed and ran easy to the track. Then did my drills in the almost dark all by myself. I liked the quiet and darkness out there on the track, being able to focus on my form and myself. I thought about how much I like working out with my friends but how I need to make sure I focus on doing what is best for me. That will take some thinking.

Yesterday morning I swam. Some parts of the swim were OK. Tuesday morning swims I don't like very much. I always swim alone. I didn't used to mind morning swims alone from time to time, but now it seems like I always swim alone. The lifeguard there in the mornings is not nice. I don't know why, but for some reason, several years ago, she decided I was on the list of people she didn't like. A month or so ago, I couldn't find the stick that Joe made to do drills with. I was looking all over for it and I guess it was in the gutter. She found it and instead of walking it over to me (note, she walks laps around the pool a lot), she threw it at me. Yesterday, I couldn't find one of my paddles. They are brand new. It was obvious I was looking for something. I looked down the gutters on 2 sides. No way it had floated that far. She was just sitting there giving me a smug look. So I asked the nice lady that works at the front desk if anyone had turned it in. And she was nice enough to come help me look. Then the lifeguard got up and looked and found it, and set it down and walked away from me. Really, would it be so bad to hand me something? I would say thank you. And actually smile. Just because I don't want to spend 30 mins of my day every day talking to you like some of the other members do doesn't mean you have to be a jerk to me. Ugh!

Anyway, enough ranting about the crazy lifeguard. Morning swims are kinda crummy. I haven't been swimming as much and just felt blah. I feel sloppy and feel like my technique is getting worse. So I just was having trouble holding it together because I felt like I was losing everything I had worked so hard for last year on the my swim. People who know me now or who have only met me in the past year or two don't know what a bad swimmer I was. I was the person coming out of the water in 30 mins for 1500m and then 28, then 27, then 26, then 25, then I worked so hard last year and got it into the 22's. I used to be the person that had to do so much passing on the bike and the run and it still wasn't enough. I worked so hard not to have to do that and I felt like it was slipping away. So I emailed Jen Harrison because I thought she understood how important it was for me to keep me swimming up but maybe I hadn't communicated it well and it is hard for a coach to understand me right away. And I know I have to do some things different. But I did things similar in swimming like I am now years prior and that is what didn't work for ME. What did work in swimming was last year. What I need to add is a strength element.

I am quite different than a lot of people. I am definitely not a natural swimmer. I had to work so so so hard for what I did last year. Most people really don't get it.

I run naturally
I run naturally off the bike
I bike fairly well
I do not swim naturally
I do not build muscle easily

I swam 2350m total with a mix of 3x50's drill and 300's negative split. In the pm I did my strength training. And went to bed at a good hour and was able to get up early to do my run. Wa hoo!

Cause I'm Awesome!

First of all, no migraine today! Big deal for a Monday. Well, I felt it maybe coming on, took my medicine immediately like I should. And, was fine.

I got an email from CGI racing today. Announcing that some of their races were almost sold out and listing some of their Uberman participants. I was excited to see my face at the top in the picture!

But then sad that they didn't think I was awesome enough to be listed with some of the people who will be racing Uberman. Yeah, some of them are pretty great. But, so am I! And my picture was in the freakin' email! Oh well. I will kick butt when it comes time for race day.

I love seeing pictures of that race suit. I am going to have to get some good suits. I never got as many cheers as I did that day I raced in the "Who Rocks? I Rock!" suit.


And of course, I always have my signature braids! And I am usually smiling unless it is the very end of the race and I am eeking out the last bit of energy. Even then, sometimes I smile!

My workout this morning was an easy 1 hour bike with single leg drills. I needed easy. My hamstrings are still killing me. I am so glad I am swimming tomorrow morning and not running.

My parents are coming to visit this weekend and that was the main topic at therapy today. Boundaries. I have always had trouble setting boundaries with people in my life. Especially my Mom. So, this will be good practice. In the past I have tended to cave in situations that were difficult for me because it was easier to give in to the other persons wants or needs than to take care of myself. I need to take care of myself and only myself.

I also was able to recognize something. I really feel that despite all the stresses going on in my life right now and the changes, I know that everything in my life is going to be okay. Everything is going to work out. I don't know where my life is headed. And that is okay. I just have to focus on taking care of myself, learning about myself, and everything will be fine.

Change

I always wonder how the weekend goes by so fast. I guess everyone does. Today was a little more relaxing. There was stuff that needed to be done, but it didn't get done. And that's ok. I got 2 naps in before 1 pm. Impressive stuff! I learned that it is not a good idea to put chopped up onions and garlic in your fridge over night. It's going to take a long time and a big box of baking soda to undo that damage. But I did make some sweet and sour pork in the slow cooker with the chopped up onions and garlic that stunk up my fridge. And fried up the fatty and icky looking pieces of pork for the doggies. Spoiled doggies!

It was a beautiful day, sunny, warm and 60 degrees. But all I wanted to do was stay inside curled up in bed or sit in the bath tub. My hamstrings were so sore. Why, on earth, would I ever, in my right mind, ever, ever, ever, want to do dead lifts? I always thought my hamstrings were strong. Apparently not. So I moped around the house all morning feeling sorry for my weak little girl legs. I took my 2 naps. Then finally, got my butt out the door for my run. Yeah, my hamstrings hurt. I was miss cranky pants for the run. And then I slipped and fell on the ice and scraped my knee and arm and two people out walking their dog laughed at me. How mean. Ugh. Cranky cranky cranky. But I did it. Because this is what you do during training. Sometimes you are sore. Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't like because your coach says you should and you trust it will make you better. You just suck it up and do it. And eventually the soreness goes away and you are stronger. And then you do something else crazy and weird and the whole process repeats itself.

It is a difficult process this change thing. It is uncomfortable. It is so much easier to go about the way I have been doing things for years. I have been doing ok the way I have been doing things, right? But I don't want to be just ok. I want to be at my best. And sometimes that means making changes and getting out of my comfort zone and doing things like dead lifts in the middle of my bike ride, or a long run when my legs are so sore. But it is worth it. It will be worth it when I am stronger and faster and I know I can take on anything!

And as it relates to life, it's hard to change things too. It's easy to keep going about our day to day lives living in comfortable discomfort. Living with things that we know don't quite make us happy, but will be difficult to change. Avoiding change because it just seems hard or scary. But it is worth it. It is worth it once we make those changes and we break through to the happiness waiting for us and we know that we did it for ourselves.

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."-Roseanne Cash

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by draw backs and discomforts."-Arnold Bennett

"You change your life by changing your heart."

Long Saturday

I knew Saturday was going to be a long day. I went to bed nice and early last night at 8pm, because I was so tired and had to start the day early.

I got up at 5 to get ready for my bike ride/strength training session by having some breakfast and getting on my bike not long after. This was an interesting one. I rode for one hour at high rpms and zone 1-2 hr. Ok, not too bad. I had a Gu 45 mins in. Lots of water. Trainer rides get HOT! Change shoes quick! Transition practice!!!! Then 15 reps of squat thrusts, more squat thrusts, lunges, and dead lifts. Ok, I can do this! Then 10 mins at 65 rpms, ouch my legs!, then repeat this 2 more times with the strength and the low rpms increasing the reps on on the strength training to 20, then 25! Well, by the end, it wasn't pretty, but I did it and will be stronger for it. I will be an awesome biker this year!

Then off to work for a few hours. Just a few. All I had in me. And I had plans. There were only 4 out of 7 actuaries there anyway. People are starting to get tired.

I swam and it took longer than I thought. My arms felt weak today. I know I am stronger. Maybe I was relying on my upper body more because my legs were tired. Maybe I wasn't rotating as much because my hips were tight. Maybe I was just thrashing around and working too hard. Anyway, I wasn't moving too slow, but my arms felt like they were doing a lot of work.
600wu w/ some back and breast
2x{2x175 w/ :10 rest and last 25 back, 2x200 w/ :05 rest} 1:00 rest in between I don't know my times for the 175's but the 200's were 3:09-3:14. I wouldn't mind if they were faster, but I guess it could be worse.
4x75-drill, polo swim, swim
100 cool down
2500m total Really, that's it?
abs

Then Esther and I had our friend "date". We went to Wegmans (the grocery store) and got lots of food to make chili (turned into more of a veggie stew) in my slow cooker and stuff for sweet and sour pork. We got the chili ready and in the slow cooker and went to see He's Just Not That Into You. We both really liked it. That's one of the types of movies I like though. Then we ate sherbet (dessert first!!) and danced to Carmen Electra's cardio strip tease while we waited for our dinner to finish. It was a lot of fun getting to spend some time just me and her.

Friday wasn't all that exciting. Just an easy 45 min bike ride. And work. And being tired and doing some cleaning and knowing I had a lot ahead of me for the weekend. Lots to do tomorrow. I'm glad I got to have some fun today. Off to bed!

Progress

I made plans to meet Matt and Todd at the pool this morning at 6am. After all my whining about swimming alone on Tuesday morning, I overslept my alarm and woke up at 6:23 and knew I wouldn't make it to meet them. And so I ended up doing most of the swim alone after work. Sigh.

I think I did the same swim a few weeks ago with Esther. It must have been on a Friday or a weekend then. I felt slow and couldn't keep up. Today, I felt better. Not fast yet, but better. When I was swimming the faster parts of the workout I thought about a workout we did at masters swim around this time last year. It was 100's going as fast as you could starting at a 3:00 min interval and subtracting 5 secs from the interval until you couldn't make the interval anymore. Joe said I had to get down to the 1:25 interval I think. Maybe just the 1:30. It sounded too hard. Impossible. Back then, I had not done 1:30 that often. I would be swimming most of the workout by myself. In the shallow lanes. I hate swimming there. Well, today I was in the shallow lanes, by myself. And I remembered that workout, that day. That was a big day for me. A day when I pushed myself to a new level I thought I could never go. I did what I thought was too hard. What was impossible. I just needed a little encouragement. From someone who knew the potential that I had. It wasn't a breakthrough day today, but don't worry, one of those will be coming.
600wu
4x4x25 IM order
15x50s as follows-1-1-1-2-1-3-1-2-1-1-1 easy, hard, easy, 2 hard,...
100 easy
5x100 descending w/ :20 rest in 1:47, 1:40, 1:33, 1:31, 1:30 (speedy Oscar joined me at this point)
100 easy
100 fast in 1:23 (Oscar paced me and let me draft probably oh so boringly slow for him)
300 cd
2850m total

I have noticed that I tend to get stressed out easily when I am dealing with a lot of personal issues and sometimes my inclination can be to keep going on with life as normal or take on even more. But it can be overwhelming sometimes. Working through emotional issues is exhausting. It feels like a workout sometimes. I am having to learn to scale back. I have to cut back the time at work even though there is pressure, I have to take rest over workout if it is needed, I have to choose me over social commitments. I have to think about ME and what I need and what I want. It isn't always bad to be selfish. Sometimes the best thing you can do for everyone around you is say no.

I had a good day today. I had a great conversation with a friend this morning on the way to work. I'm realizing that it is better to ask for what I want and need in a friendship then to wait and hope the other person knows what I want. It is better to talk and resolve issues than avoiding them and hoping they go away. It is good to be honest and open. I am learning how to be a good friend. I thought about a lot of things from my conversation today. One thing I kept thinking was that no one should ever settle for less than they deserve. I know I can't allow any of my relationships to be any less than what I deserve. Which reminded me of this quote.

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." -Maureen Dowd

And while I am in a quote mood, a few other good ones:

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." -Margaret Thatcher

"Yesterday I dared to struggle, today I dare to win."-Bernadette Devlin

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

"Always do what you are afraid to do."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"He that is overcautious will accomplish little."-J.C.F. Von Schiller

Facebook got me!

I got an email from my sister tonight. Well actually from facebook, but my sister had just signed up and sent me a friend invitation or whatever. I am still not really good at all this. So, now I am sucked in, like most all of you. I just wasted an hour of my life. And probably more to come. Goodness, what have I done. Oh well.

Anyway, I was super tired today. I did a bike ride for my workout. I am getting into the groove of just following my training plan and not thinking about it. Which is the whole idea. You have a coach do the thinking for you, you do the workout to the best of your ability and then you kick ass when it is time to race! It was a 65 min ride with 10x1 min of big gear riding with 1 min recoveries. The cadence didn't have to be super low, just 90 rpm, but still low. My legs were dying at the end. I listened to "Maija's Pop Rock Mix" and it was perfect.

I am tired now. That facebook crap really killed my ability to think. That and some other stuff that I am too tired to think about now.

Crazy Dogs

We got lots of fluffy snow today! It was really pretty. They are shoveling the sidewalk now and it is driving Coopy and Frito crazy. Barking mad doggies. "Stay away from our house!" they say.

I swam by myself this morning. 3100m. It was a good workout, but seemed to take forever. I liked the workout because I got to mentally break up the swim and I like how I can think of that in terms of breaking up a race. You just get through one part, then the next, then the next. It may not have been the purpose, but I got that out of it. That is one of my favorite things about swimming. You just have to get to the next interval. It doesn't have to seem so big, if you don't make it that way.
10x75 wu alternating swim and sculling--I love doing sculling!
600 w/ 50 fast, 50 easy
400 IM (yeah, it wasn't 100 fly, I did fly kicking, my fly is poopy right now)
500 w/ 100 fast, 100 easy
200 IM
200 fast
100IM
6x25 all out w/ around :20-:25 rest
200 cd

It was a miracle--the locker room was warm and the showers were hot! Could things be changing at the Y? We have had cold water in the showers on and off for the last few months, and cold locker rooms for as long as I can remember. I am not holding my breath, but I sure hope so!

After work I was walking the doggies in the snow and trying to talk on the phone to Esther and carrying bags of doggie poop and they ran after another dog and I dropped my phone in the snow. I was lucky to find it when Esther hung up and the light flashed on. All the street lights are on the side of the street with no sidewalk. Smart. Then Freddy called later and couldn't hear me cause my phone was all wet from the snow. This happened to me before when I dropped my cell phone in the bath tub. It didn't work for a little while, then it was fine. I hope that's the case. The lesson here, no talking on the phone when you have 2 leashes attached to crazy dogs, 2 bags of dog poop, a neighborhood full of dogs that have been couped up all day, and lots and lots snow in the dark. Too many things can go wrong.

I did my strength training tonight. I am onto the second type of strength training workout that coach has me doing. So, it was fun doing some new stuff.

I made chili tonight! Lots of leftovers too. It was quick and easy. Esther and I are going to get together this weekend and make some healthy meals for the week for lunches and dinner and watch a fun movie and hang out while they cook. I was kinda sad last week cause I hadn't had a chance to hang out with her in awhile, so this will be fun.

I guess they are done shoveling. Maybe the dogs will let me sleep now.

"Believe in your dreams and they may come true; believe in yourself and they will come true."

Migraine Monday

Guess what? I had a migraine today. On a Monday! You would never guess. It started up around 3 pm and was fully raging by the time I left therapy. You would think I would be smart enough to take my medicine before therapy, but I didn't have any water with me. Smooth. Note to self, don't do this again.

I read him what I had of the letter to Mark. It gets easier as I read it. Some of it is hard. But, writing it has made me feel better. Talking about it made me feel better. I needed to do this. I had some anger. But I needed to go back and realize there was some happiness in the past. And then I realized I had a lot of anger and sadness. Much more than I realized. Because I had lost so much more than I knew. So it's good. I am making good progress on this even though it is hard. I still have more to do. I have to finish the letter. I have more things to say.

I also spent a lot of time talking about my problems taking care of myself and my nutrition when I get stressed and what my plan for that is. Thinking about it now, I'm not sure we came out of there with a plan. Even though I felt like just eating cereal or ice cream, I cooked up stir fry with brown rice and fresh veggies that I bought at whole foods today, so that is good.

We talked about how upset I was on Friday. I deserve respect from my friendships. I am an amazing woman. I have a lot to offer the people in my life. I am caring, funny, forgiving, honest, trusting, and generous. I am a great listener and am always willing to give my honest opinion if I know it will be heard. I often give people way more chances than they deserve. I deserve respect. I deserve to be trusted. I deserve honesty. I deserve time.

Speaking of friends, Freddy made me some great workout cds. One is the "Cooper and Fredo Dance Mix" and the other is "Maija's Pop Rock Mix". He asked me awhile ago to give him a list of pop artists I liked and I never did. But he made and awesome mix anyway. Better than anything I could have made. He knows just what I like. There were 2 songs on the Maija mix that I really liked:
Because I'm Awesome-The Dollyrots
Bossy-Lindsay Lohan
I was rockin out in my car to the cds today. I can't wait to ride my bike. What a great friend Freddy is!

I ran 1:13 yesterday in a nice low Zone 1 and 2 and felt pretty good. It was almost 50 degrees and the sun was shining! I actually got to expose some skin to the sun!!!!! Frito got nice and muddy then had to take a bath to get ready to go to a Superbowl party.

We went to my friend Ilya's. He is "from Pittsburgh". And when he said this excitedly in his heavy Russian accent, I just couldn't help but smile. I drove up with Freddy and the doggies. Frito and Cooper had fun, what dog wouldn't like lots of snacks? Frito liked Ilya just a little too much and Ilya's wife loved having the dogs around as did Ilya. It was such a good game, and more fun seeing Ilya freak out and his wife talk to him in Russian. She asked me if I was cold in Russian, and somehow I understood her and said no. I swear, I thought she said, Are you cold?

I was so tired, I didn't want to get up to run this morning, but I did. Because I knew I wouldn't want to run after therapy. So, it felt good to just make myself do it even though I was tired. Woo hoo! I feel like I am sort of getting better at doing the early morning thing again.

Now, swimming tomorrow morning. All by myself I think :(

This is too hard

Yesterday was sort of another bummin day for me. I did a 90 min bike ride in the morning, and did 4x8 min cruise intervals with 4 mins rest. I got to do a cadence that was a little higher, but still not the comfortable level that I like, so it was hard but good for me. Not as much of a leg killer as usual. Then it took me forever to get ready for work. I couldn't find my phone (it was in my sweater pocket, ugh!). I couldn't find my keys (they were hiding under something on the table). I turn to Frito--"Frito, I don't want to go to work." "This is too hard." Frito snuggled his head up against me for some comfort and I headed reluctantly off to work.

As usual, there were Munchkins there. I didn't eat enough after my ride, so I ate lots of munchkins. And then the other girls were complaining that there were hardly any munchkins left even though normally they want me to eat the munchkins cause they don't want them around cause they don't want to get fat. Here are some Chocolate Munchkins. I had several of those yesterday.
I rocked out with my I-pod in most of the day. I didn't want to hear anyone else talking out loud while they worked or complaining about how they were tired and didn't want to be here and how they were gonna have to be here until 7pm. Really, it is up to us to come in. We don't have to be there. We are sort of pressured to be there, but, to me I feel like, I need to do what is going to make me the most productive worker. And that means getting enough rest, getting things done at home, and having a balanced personal life. Slaving aways at work for 60-70 hours a week does not necessarily make me a good or productive employee. I know my limits and how I work best. I left at 3:30 pm. Because my brain stopped working and I couldn't drown out the girls talking with my music anymore, so I wasn't being productive anymore.

I went to the pool and did a 1500m swim focusing on technique to get warmed up for my strength training. I guess I thought Esther was getting there at 3:30, but it was 3. She was swimming with Aaron, and didn't really make room for me to swim or talk with them, so I think I felt a little hurt. I have been having a bad few days, and I just wanted to spend time with my friend and it hurt that she wanted to hang out with this new person instead. So I just got in and swam by myself, doing things like sculling, alternating stick for 50, no stick, and working on my fly kick a little because it is not good right now. I notice that I do a much better strength workout at the Y than at home. Maybe because I am using weights there instead of bands. And not watching tv. That darn tv. Esther joined me for the first round then had to go to meet Armando. I tried to rush through, cause I was going to meet them for dinner and told Freddy I was going to call him and took to long doing so. I never got in touch with Freddy and was the third wheel on Esther and Armando's date. Hmmm.

At the pool there are these 2 sisters that take swim lessons with Coach Joe. They wear matching swimsuits and are around the same age split as my sister and I. My sister and I used to wear matching swimsuit and dresses and all sorts of stuff when we were little. These girls are usually very playful, always laughing, smiling, and splashing and jumping into the pool. The young one was curled up in a little ball on top of the blocks. I don't know what was wrong, if she was sick, just having a cranky day or what, but she reminded me a little of how I have felt, feel sometimes. She looked cold, small, sad, all curled up at the side of the pool with a pout on her face. I really wanted to see her back to her happy playful self. I wished that I could cheer her up, but I had no idea how.

I fell a little overwhelmed with everything today. Working Saturdays does that to me. I have a long run (70 mins is long for me, no laughing Ironman people!). I still have to get my running shoes. I have made 2 attempts. The first time, they didn't have my shoes because the new ones hadn't arrived yet. They came in, then I went back, but the store was already closed. I have a Superbowl party tonight. I have to do taxes sometime. I need to clean. I need to nap! I want to do some cooking so I have good food during the week. If it is not prepared, I won't eat it. I will just eat a bowl of cereal for dinner.

I was talking with Esther about this yesterday. I buy healthy food. Easy to prepare, healthy food. Stuff for salads, the fresh veggies you can steam in the bag, easy stuff to make hearty healthy soups. Then I don't make it. I just eat a small bowl of cereal and go to bed. It's like I have no energy or desire to take care of myself even when I have done things to make it so easy. I still don't. When I go through difficult times, I stop taking care of myself in some ways, and nutrition is one of them. I don't give my body what it needs. Back in October and November of 2006, Mark was working a lot. That is when he worked the most during the year. I blamed the migraine medicine that I was taking for the weight loss, but I was the one who chose not to eat dinner because I was lonely because he was coming home at 10 or 11. I lost 12 lbs or so in less than 2 months and never thought much of it. "It was just the medicine. I am fine. My marriage is fine. AOP is over for the year." But now I am going through different stresses and I am not taking care of my nutrition. I am eating junk or I am not eating enough for dinner. I can do better. I have a friend who has offered help and I don't know why I am too proud to take it. I guess I don't want to take up anyones time. Or let her see just how much of a problem I have. Or really start to change. Because it is hard.

This is a picture of me April 2008. I had just recovered from bronchitis. I think I look a little sickly though.

Another April 2008.


Me in the same dress, October 2005. Looking healthier I think.
And again, same dress, April 2006. Still healthier. And yeah, I wear that little black dress a lot. If you've got a cute little black dress, that works all the time, you might as well wear it right?

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel"