Today...

Today was a really hard day.

It started off well. I met Matt, Genine, and Esther at the pool before work to swim. 3500m total.
400, with 200 alternating breathing every 3, 5
1450-pyramid of 1 length easy, 1 hard, 2 easy, 2 hard, up to 5, then back down
500 kick moderate with fins
150 pull (did this with the kick board and made sure to 'wave my fin' to make sure I was rotating)
4x200 IM alternating the order of the 50's (ie starting with regular IM, then bk, br, fr, fl)
200 cd

I felt pretty good--not tired or anything, but not swimming much this week I felt a little blah. Pretty typical for a rest week and just how I have been feeling recently.

Work was ok in the morning. It just seems like the list of things to do keeps growing.

I had a phone conversation with a friend at lunch that was really upsetting to me. It was hard for me to go back to work after this. I was crying on and off all afternoon, and people could tell and were asking if I was okay. I feel a little silly when my face is all red and my eyes are red and puffy at work. Doesn't happen often, just a few times. My stomach hurt and I got a migraine. Symptoms of anxiety and holding in painful feelings.

As a result of this conversation, I thought hard about why this person is treating me the way they are. To some degree, people treat us the way we let them. If we demand that they treat us with respect and care, then they will. I am better at demanding this respect from some people. If I don't get the treatment I deserve from them, too bad, I don't need them around. Others, for some reason, I am more willing to be flexible with what's ok. That can work for awhile, but eventually, I end up feeling hurt and/or resentful. It's not good for anyone. I will think I am making the other person happy, or doing what they want, but I am just being a chicken and not standing up for myself, not standing up to myself sometimes. The part of me that isn't used to telling people to respect me. And that I have needs. And that it is okay for me to ask for what I need and want. And to say no or ask questions.

I wrote a long letter from this too. Not sure if it will ever get sent. It was written in pen in my journal and at times is not even legible. I found that helpful though. The letter helped a lot with my stomach ache. Sometimes it just helps to get things out, even if no one ever sees what you write. I would like to start writing in my journal more. I was doing a lot in November and December and have not done as much lately.

I have a 90 min bike ride tomorrow. I made a new play list for it. Lots of fun stuff. I think Matt will like it :) Oh, and I guess Freddy's song for me is "My Life Would Suck Without You". He said when he hears it he can picture me dancing around his apartment at a party to it. Makes me sound deep, huh?

Supernova-Liz Phair

Ghetto Superstar-Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mya

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk-Trace Adkins

With You-Jessica Simpson

7 Things-Miley Cyrus

Beautiful Mess-Diamond Rio

Into You-Fabolous

My Life Would Suck Without You-Kelly Clarkson

Wannabe-Spice Girls

Fergalicious-Fergie

Ladies Love Country Boys-Trace Adkins

Shake Ya Tail Feather-P. Diddy, Nelly, Murphy Lee

So Fresh, So Clean-OutKast

So Yesterday-Hilary Duff

Favorite-Liz Phair

See You Again-Miley Cyrus

Dilemma-Nelly & Kelly Rowland

Baby One More Time-Britney Spears

He Said, She Said-Ashley Tisdale

What Was I Thinkin'-Dierks Bentley

Why Can't I-Liz Phair

Dirrty-Christina Aguilera

When I Grow Up-Pussy Cat Dolls

3 years of Frito

In late January of 2006, I got to adopt another dog to be Coopers "brother". I had passed my first actuarial exam (the financial math one which is actually exam 2, but I took that one first...), and my reward was another doggie! I had actually been looking for 6 months on petfinder.com to get the perfect buddy for Cooper. Mr. Coopersen is quite particular with who he play with. We actually thought we had already found one--a puppy named Sarafina. She had been tied to a car as a puppy by some teenagers and dragged for a while. She had some major wounds that needed to heal for several months in foster care. She was still sweet as could be and Cooper loved her right away. So we waited for her, and waited, and finally I emailed and whoops, her foster parents fell in love with her and didn't want to give her up! Hey! There were a few other dogs--an older sheltie that Coopy was too rough with, a tiger striped Coopy look alike with too many emotional issues that was given to someone else, Cooper's mini-me who was taken by his foster parent (do the not understand the concept of fostering?). Eventually the perfect dog came along.

His name was Cash and was brought to the rescue from a shelter in Kentucky, where he, gulp, was up for a death sentence. He was just under 40lbs and looked like the perfect little runner. He was good with other dogs and didn't have any major issues. So, we went out to his foster mom's in Clinton with Cooper to meet up. He and Cooper chased each other around the yard and the basement and they wrestled. Coopy had a new friend. We thought about it and decided he was the one. We changed his name to Frito and the rest is history.

Here are pictures of "Cash" playing with a toy lizard on his foster mom's bed. He was supposed to sleep in a crate in foster care, but would cry at night so she would let him out and he would sleep in bed with her and her dobermans. He has always been such a baby.



He looks so little in these pictures! He has gained at least 7-8 lbs since then and it is almost all muscle!

He has brought so much laughter to me. He really is such a baby. He loves having his belly rubbed. Never wants to get out of bed in the morning in the winter and hides under the covers. He drools when food is cooking on the stove. He likes to shred paper. He is the best running partner you could ever ask for. He loves to lay in the sun. He loves squirrels and birds and bunnies. He is scared of loud noises and likes to hide in the dryer. He is a good snuggler. He is such a good little buddy.

Rest of the Rest Week

Resting has been the name of the game the last few days. We had a good bit of snow and sleet yesterday and so I stayed home from work. It did allow me to sleep in and get a nap in. I am glad I didn't drive in. Mark called me and he got into a car accident. He was okay, he just wanted to make sure that I had called the insurance guy and talked to him about splitting our policy (I hadn't...). So I finally got around to it and made some changes to my policy that I wanted, cause I know lots about insurance :)

It was icy and icky on the sidewalks so I did my Thursday bike ride on the trainer--1 hour with 4x 5 mins harder gear with cadence at 75-85 rpm 5 mins easy. It didn't feel too bad, and my legs felt better after than before. Yeah!

I spent a long time last night working on my letter to Mark. That and watching the Duke-Wake Forest game. Argh! So close! Anyway, I have a lot written in the letter but it is no where near done. I sent what I had to Esther and she read it and called me and we talked for awhile. It is nice that I can talk to her about just about everything. I never really realized how long it had been since I had talked about and expressed good memories of my relationship with Mark. It was good to get that out so I can move on. I am getting into the hard parts of the letter now. It is a good process to go through and something I am glad that I am doing. It is difficult and I have spent a lot of time crying, but if I didn't, I don't think it would be healthy for me.

This morning I slept in. It was a good decision cause it was super icy on the sidewalks. Cooper fell on his back 2 times during our morning walk! I ran after work and the sidewalks were better, but I did have a few close calls and Cooper fell some more, but not as bad. 45 mins and 6x50m or so skipping with 50m jog recovery. A few people drove by as I was skipping down the sidewalk in the dark. Hmm, I'm sure I looked sooo cool. Tomorrow a swim in the morning with my friends! I can't wait!

The weekend should be busy with some fun and not so fun. There will be work on Saturday...some workouts of course...going to watch our swim friend Aaron play with his jazz band down in New Brunswick...Superbowl on Sunday...go over taxes with Mark (please let there be a refund!)...cleaning...this weekend is sounding busy, where do I get my naps!

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown

Okay, here's the schedule...

I got a generic email from Coach JH yesterday, generic meaning it was for all her athletes and not just me. It was asking that we give our schedules for the season so she could put it into our online training schedules. At least I'm not the only one. I hope...

Kinda important to know all the races, the big ones especially but even as many of the little practice ones if you can. It helps a lot with the planning.

The schedule:
Here is the coding: A priority races are in bold, B priority races are in blue, C priority races don't get nothin'. Races colored in pink are pending qualification. Got it? Good!

Feb 15-OCY unofficial team championships, 1000, 100IM, 200 back???, Toms River, NJ
Feb 28-USATF NJ Indoor Track and Field Champs, 3000m and 1500m, Toms River, NJ
March-A 5k and maybe a swim meet if I can find one close
April 5-Cherry Blossom 10k run, Newark, NJ
April 26-St. Anthony's Olympic Triathlon, St. Petersburg, FL
May 9-Jersey Man Sprint,Clinton, NJ
May 17-Columbia Olympic Triathlon, Ellicott City, MD
May 31-Run for Rachel 5k, Livingston, NJ
OR Black Bear Sprint Tri, near Jim Thorpe, PA
June 6--Mooseman Olympic Tri, Bristol, NH
a few short and fast things need to go in here...for practice
July 25-Uberman-Mercer County, NJ
August 1-Kinzua Country Tango--half marathon and orienteering legs?
August 30-Chicago Olympic Distance Triathlon, Chicago, IL
September 13-Skylands Sprint Triathlon, Clinton, NJ
September 27-OC Tri (BOUS), Missions Viejo, CA
October 11-Dallas US Open, Dallas, TX

Yes, I like to race pretty often. I race short. I find that the more often I race the more my confidence grows. The first few races of the season I am the most nervous because I haven't raced in awhile. After a few I get used to the prerace routine and get used to my nerves and the energy around me a little better. Some people can get by just racing a couple times a season. I like to get out there a lot. I have to make sure to remember that when it is not an A day, that I don't have to expect an A effort. I am there to practice. Practice transitions, or nutrition, or nerves, or pacing, or pushing myself on the run, or swimming like a fish, or something. There is a purpose, and it isn't always about being the fastest on that day, it is about the end goal.

Memories

I don't know who put this up, but there is a video of me finishing NJ State Tri up on YouTube. Not terribly exciting...just me crossing the finish line and drinking water and looking at my watch to see when Suzanne H. was coming in.

I had a so so swim this morning. I had trouble waking up, but no one was there waiting for me, so not a big deal I guess. So sad to have no coach and no friends there in the morning waiting for me. My legs felt heavy. The day after a rest day I always feel extra crappy. Once I start to rest, my body gets selfish and it wants more. And it tells me it is soooo tired and sore and I can't barely do a thing. 200 wu, real slow. All I feel is my legs. 200 kick, actually easier, because I am supposed to use my legs. 200 pull, not bad on difficulty level, except I am shivering now. 4x50 build, I check out what my times are. Not too fast...This upcoming 1000m at tempo pace is looking daunting. The 4th 50m is the "fast" one in 46 seconds. Then easy 50m. Okay, time for 1000m shooting for 1:36 pace. "Just do the best effort you can, and try not to let it get ugly" I tell myself. And that's what I did. I wasn't going all out, I was doing what would be the correct effort to produce a 1:35-1:36 for 1000m had my legs and butt and arms and everything not been tired and god awful sore. I got into a good rhythm and went through halfway at 8:20. Darn! Too slow, but oh well, not horrible, keep going, don't slow down. I finished in 16:47. I would like to have done the correct pace, but I the correct effort. Then 10x100m descending by 5's on 1:50. First few were okay and then I had...nothing. I got into the high 1:30's for my fast one. By the end of the first round of 5, It was already 7:30 and I had to cooldown and get to work. I need to get up on time, find some better motivation when I swim, and push myself harder even when I am tired. It is a recovery week, so I guess I am a little conflicted about the priority for me. Push when I am doing horrible and trying to recover, or just let it go?

No workout this evening. Just a bath and some stretching and relaxation. I guess there is some big snow storm coming in tomorrow. We'll see...

I've started writing my letter to Mark. Again, going through the good memories first, starting at the beginning. I like to look at pictures, it helps me to remember. Here are some of my favorite pictures and memories.This is Mark and I on one of our first dates driving out along the Oregon Coast. It is so pretty out there.This is Mark and I getting ready to drive from his job at Intel in Hillsboro, OR back to NC all in 4 days. A stop in Couer D'Alane, ID along the way. It was so pretty. The drive was crazy, long, fun. In Wyoming the only radio stations we could find had Phil Collins or Genesis playing and the rest of the way we kept hearing Black Eyed Peas "Where's the Love". We tried to take a short cut in West Virginia and got lost in the back woods mountains. It was scary.Here's us after his first half ironman and my second. It was also my first AG win! He ran in the smallest racing flats and got a rock embedded in the sole and ran the whole race with it. He was on 4:40 pace for a hilly course, but didn't eat anything during the run (what!!!) and bonked big time. I had an awesome run! He still beat me by 20 mins though...We had a lot of fun and I was so proud of him. He broke his hand over the summer and could barely train, so finishing under 5 hours for a hilly race was great.Here we are at Mark's nephew Jimmy's first birthday party up near Buffalo, NY. It was quite a party for a one year old. I don't have any nephew's or nieces of my own and I have enjoyed having Jimmy in my life even though he is far away.
This is from right after we got engaged in Madeira, Portugal. It was up on a mountain and we got pushed down the hill in this basket. It was scary, but fun and a good memory.
Here we are at the Tricows party in Winston Salem a couple days before moved to NJ. We are all sweaty from dancing. Mark used to be more social and liked dancing and going out with me then.
Good old Cooper at his agility class back in 2005. We went to the class together. Mark was the "handler", I kept track of the treats and watched and cheered! Cooper went from being the dog with ADD in class to the star in the class that always went first to demonstrate!We closed on our town home a week after we got back from our honeymoon back in 2005. We got started immediately on redoing everything in the house--paint, floors, moldings, doors, and eventually bathrooms and the kitchen. Here I am post bike ride painting the dining room/living room. It took forever!
We tore up the carpet and put it in the dumpster ourselves to save a few hundred $. Cooper kept curling up on what was remaining of the disappearing carpet.
We tried so many different paint samples, it was ridiculous!!! It was a fun but tiring process.I love this house. Mark put so much work into making this a nice house for me and I will always be grateful for that.
Camping up in Vermont. It was a nice vacation. Just hiking and cooking by the fire and spending time with me and the dogs. No chance to work.
It was so cold that week up in Vermont but we had fun.

For me, it has helped a lot to go through all of the old photos and remember a lot of these things. Remember being happy. And sad, and hurt, and lonely, and angry. For a long time, I just didn't feel anything.

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”-J. Donald Walters

Off Day Random Thoughts

I had my first day off working out in who knows how long, this is bound to lead to some crazy thinking...

I went to the pool yesterday and swam. It wasn't on my workout schedule, but I didn't swim masters on Monday and it feels good on my legs to be in the cold water when they are tired. I swam 200m with lots of drills and stretched a lot. When I was getting dressed in the locker room, I reached in my bag and something cut the tip of my middle finder on my right hand. All typos in this are due to that injury. I screamed "F*CK!!!!!!!" really loud, forgetting there are a few little girls in the locker room. I turn around to see a girl looking at me like, "omg, you just said a really bad word!" I looked at her, and said, "I cut my finger really bad" and hold up my middle finger as it is spraying blood everywhere. Yeah, this is helping things. My finger bled for several hours after that. It still hurts today. This is what I get for not following my schedule...

Work sort of feels like junior high lately. My friend Fred got moved to a different part of the office so I don't see him as often. Sort of like when one of your friends gets put in a different lunch period. Makes me sad. He is good about making an effort to come down to visit, I have to go down there to visit more often. And the other actuarial girls don't invite me to go to coffee or lunch with them anymore. I don't know if it is because I am not doing pricing work like they are or what. We are adults people. Ugh.

I am sore today. So sore I couldn't even get a massage. So I will go another day this week. When I am not so sore.

Duke and Wake are playing each other on Wednesday night. Mens basketball in case you could possibly think I could be referring to anything else. Go Duke!

Therapy Monday. I talked about work for the first half and have a plan about a conversation I want to have. Then we went over a letter that Mark wrote to me before Christmas. He is a very good writer. I hadn't read it since Christmas. I tried to write a letter to Mark this week and struggled with it. I started off by thinking of some of the good memories by looking at pictures. Months ago, I had convinced myself that there had been nothing there to begin with and that I had created an illusion of something that wasn't really there. It made it easier for me to blame myself for the failure of the marriage that way. It was my fault the relationship began I thought, my fault for thinking something was there when there wasn't... Going through the pictures and reliving those memories made me remember just how much I had loved him and how different he was back them. He was a different person and I did fall in love with him. I didn't fabricate anything. It was real. But unfortunately only for a short time. I am not to blame for the failure of the marriage. I gave everything I had for several years and was neglected. He chose his work over me but that is not my fault and has nothing to do with who I am as a person. In his letter he even said, I was the perfect wife, friend, and companion. Then why didn't you ever spend time with me? Why did you always choose work over me? On vacations, our anniversary, the day after we got married?

I have a lot of emotion left in me obviously. My therapist thinks that part of it is because Mark has shown absolutely no emotion through any of this. The only time he got the least bit emotional is when I said I wanted the dogs. I am a very caring person. I care about Mark. I am concerned about him and the fact that he is not processing this. But I need to process it myself. I didn't write the letter this past week. I would like to write it this week. It is time to process these emotions. Move past them. Move on. Talk about the letter in therapy. And maybe give it to Mark. It will at least help me. And maybe help him.

I think I may have to have the dog walker start coming again. Someone was digging up the mattress today. Chunks of foam were on the floor when I got home! I think it was actually Cooper even though Frito is usually the trouble maker. Cooper is more of a digger. But sometimes Frito digs when he is looking for his toy...She did text me about getting together for dinner this week, so maybe I will talk to her about it then.

"When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long." ~Author Unknown

Blueberry Pancakes

I completed a super hard bike run this morning and rewarded myself with some yummy blueberry pancakes. I finished a fairly successful week of training and start a rest week tomorrow with a rest day and a massage.

Friday's are typically an easy training day for me. It helps me to get ready for the weekend. This week was no different, an easy 53 min bike working on some technique stuff. My left leg still is not as efficient as the right one. Come on left leg! I was dragging through work on Friday and sort of got peer pressured into working on Saturday. I had a lot of things to get done on the weekend and really felt run down and burnt out on work and was planning on saying that I really felt it was better if I got things done at home and rested up and was ready to start off fresh on Monday. But I agreed to come in...

Saturday morning I swam. I forgot I needed my paddles until, oh, 5 seconds before I left, so I brought them, in the package to the pool. Genine was sweet enough to interrupt her lovely aqua jogging to help me figure out how to put the straps in. I don't know why it was so darn confusing. I am good with numbers/letters/symbols, but I can't figure out some of the most practical things! So, it took me awhile to get going, and with 700m left in my workout, I am looking fearfully over at the the SVY team getting ready to get in for there workout. Oh crap, they're going to kick me out! Thankfully, they all crowd up in lanes and there was a lane available and Esther stayed while I finished up my workout. It was a good one. 3000m total, not super hard, but good. The main set was 10x100 alternating paddles then fins with 20 seconds rest. I felt like I was in transition, trying to remove my paddles and put my fins on then go, then take off my fins and put my paddles on then GO! I could do the paddle to fin transition fast...but fin to paddle...it needs work. I'm sure I looked quite odd.

After my swim I felt overwhelmed at the idea of going to work and all the things I had to do and being tired. So, I called my boss and said I wasn't coming in. I did a lot of cleaning, got a nap and got some other things done. And I feel rested and ready to get other things done today. And I will be ready to work on Monday.

In the afternoon, I ran 40 mins and did some running drills at the track. Was supposed to do this on Wednesday but got home super late that day. I love doing running drills. Afterwards I did strength training and stretching.

And of course, the brick this morning. 90 mins of big gear punishment intervals, and then 35 mins with some time in zone 3.

I didn't have much food in the house, but I did have a protein smoothie. Then off to the store to get stuff for my reward pancakes and food for the week. I got stuff to make lasagna, chili, english muffin pizzas, scrambled eggs, and some healthy lunch snacks. I want to make sure I have healthy meals at home and at work. It's time to eat like an athlete!

"There is no passion to be found playing small-in settling for a life that is less that the one you are capable of living"-Nelson Mandela

My St. Anthony's poster

One of my assignments from my talk with Jennifer Harrison was to make myself a poster to hang up somewhere to remind myself everyday about my next big race. My first A race will now be The Jerseyman Sprint on May 9. However, I will be racing the St. Anthony's triathlon in St. Petersburg, FL on April 26. This is probably one of the most competitive Olympic Distance races for age group athletes all year. So even though it is not my focus, I am looking forward to it and it will be a big race. And, I get to go to FL. So here are some of the pictures I am putting in my poster:
I found this one online, it is the swim at St. Anthony's. It is supposed to be a bit rough at times. So I need to work on being strong so I will be ready!

Here is the awesome Matty Reed winning last years St. Anthony's triathlon. Hi Matty :)
Here's me running in the heat at NJ State Tri last year. I've heard the run can be hot at St. Anthony's. I need to prepare myself mentally for this.
If I am tough in the heat and strong in the water and ride fast I could maybe end up on the podium!
The course map--study it!!
Another picture of the swim, it looks nice, I can't wait!

What the.....

As I was just eating breakfast I was checking out the Best of the US site to see that the qualifier for NJ has changed. To May 9, Clinton NJ (hillier!), very bike heavy (ughhhhh), but at least hilly I think...I had just assumed it was going to be NJ State because it always has been. This changes things....

The race is run by NJ Multisport which is a new race direction company, the one that put on the Jerseyman last year. I think the guy that runs it lives in Bridgewater???

This definitely changes things. Maybe I can ask them to shorten the bike course. He he, that would be nice...Triathlon is already to freakin bike dependent.

Looking at the results, the bike speeds are slow, the run looks short. No we want a longer run and shorter bike please!

Cute heart suits

Genine just mentioned that I needed a candy heart themed suit to go with my goggles. Well, actually, there are several suits I've had my eye on...I just can't decide...too many cute ones. I should have posted them with the goggles.

First, there is the actual candy heart suit.
The "Heart Breaker" suit--there is a matching cap for this one I think!
And 3 different colors of this cute suit!

New Stuff

So, my dad gave me a $100 gift card to triathletesports.com for Christmas. They didn't have Saucony shoes, which I went on there looking for, so I bought a few fun things and they just arrived...
If I was gonna cave in and be a true tri geek and get compression calf guards, I really wanted to get the pink ones I have seen people wearing and on other peoples blogs. But none on triathletesports.com, and I wasn't about to spend my own money on compression socks. So I got the white ones pictured above. Didn't want the stirrup ones, but the other ones only came in M and larger, and even the XS that I have really don't feel like they "compress" all that much. I guess I thought they were going to be really tight!
TYR's Bling googles! I love the little red hearts on the side. Perfect for the month of Feb. Now I have to pick out my splish suit to match.

I also got enough Gu to last me most of the season and my very own swim paddles that are a size much better suited for my little shoulders so I can give Matt back his big paddles.

Also, for my birthday, my Dad ordered me a Blue Seventy PointZero3 swim skin, but it was out of stock in my size and they offered the one with longer legs for the same price, but I am not sure which I should get...I kinda just want the one with short legs. I just have to wait til Feb. to get it. I don't need it until April anyway. But will the one with longer legs be faster...

Anyway, enough of that stuff. The last few days have been busy, stressful, good, bad, tiring. Where should I start? How about Tuesday?

I did my hard bike on Tuesday morning as planned, a hard day at work and was pressured to stay longer, but said, nope, I have to leave at this time. I had to walk the dogs and then had a call with my Jen Harrison at 7:00 pm my time to talk about my goals, how my training was going, etc, etc. We talked for almost an hour. I feel much better now that I am a little more set on where I am heading for the season. Now that I have an idea of what I want and what I am heading towards, it is easier to be motivated to train. So that was good.

Wednesday was a rough day. It started off great with a good swim with Matt and Bob. They joined me for my workout and I was feeling good swimming for the first time in awhile. My arms were a little tired from doing strength work the day before, but not too bad. After 300 wu, we did 9x200m of varying paces for the 200's and varying rest, 150 cd, 2350m total. Then work was so stressful. I barely ate all day. I had a horrible stress induced stomach ache. I didn't get home until after 8. No pm run. I started to get dressed to do it after I got home. Then relaxed, I wouldn't be done until after 9, then eating, showering, winding down. I was so tired already, I walked the dogs, ate, and was asleep by 9.

Today was better. I got my technique swim of 2150m in before work. Work was stressful, but I got out on time and did a 50 min run with 10x20 sec strides at faster than 10k pace as I was supposed to do. I felt good and enjoyed the "warmer" weather of 30 degrees.

Monday's Migraines, Music, Masters

Well, I'm not at masters swim right now. I have a few issues. Monday after work, I go to therapy after work. I almost always start to get a dull headache before I get there. Today I just felt funky all day at work--dizzy and tired. Likely because I start to get anxious or stressed or just thinking about upsetting things before I get there. By the time I leave therapy it is a really big bad migraine. So there is that. Swimming even after taking my medicine just sucks.

Even without a migraine, I am just not really happy with the Monday night masters swim right now. I don't feel like I personally get what I need out of it. I work out hard on the weekends because that is when I have more time. I don't have a lot of energy on Monday, particularly in the evening after therapy to give a hard effort. So, getting feedback on my technique is really the only benefit I get. But really mostly all I get is that I need to work on strength (I am that is why I am so tired!), or that we will work on certain aspects of my technique later. When? Or she doesn't watch if I am doing something so I don't feel like there is any point sometimes for me to stay up late to do a half assed moderate workout with sloppy technique. So, I am not sure if I want to go anymore, or if I should more therapy to a different day or what. It is frustrating.

Anyway, I did run this morning. Nice slow base run in the snow for 47 mins with the dogs. Work was tiring today. I really was not up for being there. I felt so tired.

At therapy we talked a lot about interaction with Mark on Saturday and also about him being a workaholic and how that affected me. I was given an assignment to write Mark a letter, talking about good things and things in our relationship that hurt me and really just trying to get some sense of closure. I am supposed to bring it back in next week. I don't know if I will send it. I am going to go over it with him first and decide what I think. It is more for me than anything.

When Mark was over, he did say I could buy a few songs with his iTunes account since it is still set up on my computer...So, I made a new play list for my bike ride tomorrow morning! I have a 65 min ride with 3x7 mins "muscle tension intervals" (ie low rpms--ouch!!! my little legs) with 5 mins easy in between. I put in slower songs. Country songs! Some people might think it is awful to bike to country music, but I like it! I like songs I can sing to. Mark was actually the one who introduced me to country music, so I have him to thank for my enjoyment of it. It is great to sing to. We used to sing "Watch the Wind Blow By", "When the Stars go Blue", and "My Next 30 Years" in the car together all the time.

Here's my list for tomorrow mornings ride:

Crush--David Archuleta

Watch the Wind Blow By--Tim McGraw

Better in Time--Liona Lewis

Let It Go--Tim McGraw

Whatever You Like--T.I.

Tim McGraw--Taylor Swift

Womanizer--Britney Spears

My Next 30 Years--Tim McGraw

Keeps Getting Better--Christina Aguilera

Hypnotize-The Notorious B.I.G.

What You Waiting For?--Gwen Stefani

Disturbia--Rhianna

Kiss Me Through the Phone--Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)--Big & Rich

Our Song--Taylor Swift

Now that You Got It--Gwen Stefani

Hot N Cold--Katy Perry

Magic Carpet Ride--Steppenwolf

When the Stars Go Blue--Tim McGraw

Goals and the weekend

Goals for the week

• follow my workout schedule
• talk with Coach about goals (hmm make goals to make goals...nice!)
  
• buy new running shoes
• plan my nutrition ahead of time, so that I always have a healthy post workout meal
• take my study time at work every day (even if we are busy!!!) and study 10 hours at home
• Do something fun for me!

Saturday was a long tiring day for me. I woke up and saw that it was 4 degrees outside. Really? I used to be tough about running outside. Apparently now I am a sissy girl princess. I think one of the nice things about triathlon is that if it is crummy to run, you can bike on the trainer or swim...maybe a crappy attitude to have. In my goals this week to do my workouts as scheduled. There is a lot of running in there. I am praying for decent weather. My threshold is around 15 degrees or so. I am rather partial to keeping my fingers and toes. So, I did my Sunday bike.

I think I am different from a lot of triathletes. I hate the pull buoy. I love kick sets. And I love to bike at 110+rpms. My intervals were 5x6 mins 60-65 rpms (as long as I could maintain the proper HR of course). My legs! My natural instincts kept telling me "Shift to an easier gear you idiot!" I really had to focus to not do that and keep my rpms low and in "gear mashing mode" as I like to call it.

Then a long day of work. We had donuts as usual, and I was so out of it, for awhile, I forgot if I ate lunch (I did--grilled cheese with tomato). Then to the pool for easy swim and super awesome strength training. I am getting stronger! My butt still gets sore as heck, it is the lateral lunges now I think...My shoulders were sore too.

After swim, I had the "opportunity" to stand up for myself in relation to Mark. When he moved out, he left a lot of his stuff. Everywhere. In drawers, on shelves, in closets. I don't think he even realized just how much he left. I had been asking him for awhile to come and box it up and put it in storage. I finally got angry last week because he was not doing so, and he agreed to do it this weekend. But when he came to do it, he didn't do everything we had agreed on and when I got upset with him he started trying to make me feel guilty for other unrelated things. I stood up for myself and my needs as best I could. It was hard, because when I try to communicate uncomfortable things, he says hurtful things so it just makes me not want to talk. We ended up talking and feeling a little better. I expressed my feelings as well as I could. Not what I needed at the end of a long day.

It was nice that Esther called not long after that and she was there to listen to me rant about it. She's a great friend.

Anyway, today was more restful. And warmer. I saw 27 degrees on the thermometer which is fine for running. There was fresh snow too. I ran 1 hour, trying to stay in zone 1 and 2, but did 10 mins zone 3 since I skipped my tempo run on Thurs...It is a very narrow zone for me 162-169bpm. It wasn't tiring. It was harder to keep my HR in the zone, then to run the pace.

Some napping and cleaning and then a swim with Esther and then stretching which was much needed.
We did 200 wu, 200 kick, 200 pull (will kick board between legs...I feel like a shark when I do this!), 16x25's of by 4's in IM order, then a pyramid of easy and hard 50's, 100easy, then 5 descending 100's, 450 cd. 2800m total.

Hopefully I am rested enough for another work week. I think it will just be a few of us a work tomorrow as the office is closed for the holiday. I so wish I wasn't working, but stuff has to get done. These 6 day work weeks are hard on me. We'll see if I can do another Saturday in a row.

Best Friends

In case you haven't noticed, most of the country is FREAKING COLD! So is NJ. Just thought I would report that. I got up early today. Yeah me! And got to the pool and swam with Esther, Todd, and Bob. Matt was nice enough to leave his paddles for me so I could borrow them. Thanks SB! Soon I will be the swimming bear! I did wear my warm hat with bear ears today. I did the whole workout and essentially stuck to it.

I am a little disheartened by swimming slower and seeing my friends get faster and now being the one behind. But, I am doing a different training schedule and there is a plan and I cannot compare myself to anyone else. Whenever I started to worry about my times not being fast enough, Coach Joe would always tell me that it is not always about time, it is about the effort. So I put in the effort and for the most part, only used the clock to check for my rest.

3400m total
400 wu-50 swim, 50 drill (this I changed to add extra 25 drill, cause I was using the stick for my drill...)
6 x 50 kick On 10" rest...as 25 HARD/25 easy--Esther, Bob and Todd started ahead of me and E and B were wearing fins. I tried to catch them. I did on the last one! It was hard to do this when I could only go hard on the first 25 and had to go easy on the second 25 and take my :10 rest.
10 x 100 pulling (did first 7 with paddles, and then took off because my hands were tired!?) Odds: breathing every 5th stroke ONLY (slow down if needed). Evens: Breathing every 2nd stroke Do these on 15" rest. I was goosebump cold after this. My HR gets low when I pull
200 IM drill easy--did IM kick, I wanted my face out of the water
10 x 100 as: Odds: IM. Evens: hard free. On 15" rest. I liked that it said hard and not fast...at this point there was a difference!!!!
8 x 25 sprints on :30. Did the best I could, thought about rotation--"Hip-to-hip" was my breathing chant on this, so that I wasn't just flailing my arms.
300 cd alternated free, back and breast

Workout done for the day! Yes!

We had our holiday office party. Nothing like bacon cheese fires, mozzarella sticks, nachos, buffalo wings, and pizza for lunch! It was fun chatting with everyone and getting to know some people better.

I am not terribly excited about working tomorrow and Monday but at least I got out early today. I just have to make sure I avoid getting burned out like last year. I worked so much so early in the year and combined it with studying and training and personal life junk that the rest of the year I didn't have much left for all of that.

When I got back from work today, immediately I knew something was wrong. Cooper was at the door. Frito was not. I heard him crying upstairs. He somehow got into the office, then got shut in there. I wonder how long he was in there, poor guy. Well, he tried to 'dig' himself out by tearing up large chunks of the carpet by the door. I wanted to cry when I saw it. He was so happy to get out of there I couldn't yell at him, it was just his instinct to tear it. But ugh! I mean, the carpet is ruined already, thanks to some of Mr. Coopersen's exploits, but I was hoping to keep it from getting worse. This is bad. I walked the dogs, took a bath, and curled up in bed for a nap. Ugh!

On a completely unrelated note, I have been thinking about another thing I talked about in therapy on Monday. I like to think about what I talk about for most of the week. I am supposed to come back in on Monday prepared with what I want to talk about and thinking about things helps me to do this. We were talking about some of my friendships growing up and how I changed 'best friends' almost every year and how it was a competitive environment, you are looking to move to a friend who is higher in social status or is your friend is doing this to you. This started maybe 3rd or 4th grade and by 10th grade, I then had a boyfriend and my bff Becky at the time got mad I was spending more time with him and got a new bff. And then I just stopped bothering having a best friend. But I think I missed out on having really good friendships. From the start. I didn't know what it meant to have a really good friend or be a really good friend.

When I got to college, I found it easier to make friends with the guys, but wasn't able to make friends easily with the girls. I felt awkward, left out. And the friendships with the guys were not close friendships, the ones that were, were in relationships that weren't the best. In grad school, I was one of the only women in the math department. 3 or 4 out of 50+ students I think. I don't remember when I started being friends with Caroline, but she was my first step towards learning to make real friendships. She was in my hallway in the math department at Duke. She was a Physics grad student and runner like me. We would go and run in Duke forest, do track workouts together and talk about our problems, our lives, our hopes, our dreams. And of course, go eat cake at the Mad Hatter! I never worried what she thought about me, I always knew I could tell her anything, I admired her, I trusted her, we had fun together. This is what I had missed out on all those years. I moved to Winston-Salem, and made another friend there, Nikki. I knew here from racing NCTS and talking to her at races. We had a lot in common--we were competitive, ambitious, hardworking. I liked the time I got to spend getting to know her. After I moved to NJ we stayed in touch for several years. After she moved to Chicago to go to Chiropractic school I lost touch with her.

So, as far as Mark goes. They say your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. I really thought that he was. Because at the time, I still didn't quite understand what that meant. Mark was a different person when I met him. I guess I was very different too. We met at a triathlon. Great! We have something in common. We went for a 6 mile run on our first date. Great, a guy that can keep up with me on the run! So we have a major interest in common. That is good, but ...not enough. What else? We had fun together, like to joke around and be silly. That is good, you want to have fun with your best friend. We like a lot of the same things. We like spending time together. Ok, that's good. We both have similar goals in life, or at least they were similar, or what we said they were was similar. Ummm ok...turns out after a few years, I was hearing things that were different than what I remembered hearing. Probably because I didn't really talk that much with my best friend. We talked a lot. But about work. A lot. Or triathlon. Or the dogs. Or about movies, or tv, or news, or about anything that didn't really have to relate to feelings or stuff that real best friends should be able to talk about. I never felt like I could talk to him about things that upset me, I always felt judged, I felt uncomfortable being myself with him. That is not how you should feel with a best friend.

When I moved to NJ I started making many friends and I am learning as an adult how to be a friend and have friends. I am glad I have them now and it is too bad I missed out on it before. I wish I had learned this lesson before I met Mark, but maybe I wouldn't have learned it as well?

Here's what I look for in and look to give to a best friend. What about some of you?

I know I wrote about friendship awhile back, so some of this may be redundant, but I have thought more about it since then.

One of the most important things for me is honesty and openness. The ability to be honest and always feel that you can tell your best friend anything and know that you will be accepted and loved no matter what is extremely important to me. It is also important that both friends have respect for each other. Their needs, their dreams, their feelings, everything. And each person needs to respect and love them self. Important! For me, trust is very important as well for both friends to trust each other completely. I like to be trusted--to do things for myself and make my own decisions, or any other level of trust. "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." A best friend is someone that is easy to talk to, about good things and bad things. That's who you want to talk to. They are excited about the good things, and there to console you/help you through the bad things. They aren't afraid to tell you when you are doing something stupid, but they respect your decisions. They accept you and love you just how you are. They see all your potential. They verbalize how they feel. And it's always good if your friend likes some of the stuff you like, you should have fun together of course! It's also good if you like some different things, then you can learn from each other and you have something else to talk about!

Probably not the best writing, but it is from the heart.

"A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!"- Author Unknown


"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked." ~Author Unknown


"A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart." ~Author Unknown


"I like her because she smiles at me and means it." ~Anonymous

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." ~Emily Kimbrough

"A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself." ~Frances Ward Weller


"A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should." ~Author Unknown

"In my friend, I find a second self." ~Isabel Norton

"I felt it shelter to speak to you." ~Emily Dickinson

Patience

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~Chinese Proverb

I have been noticing the need for patience a lot lately. I am on a new training schedule and for me it is a huge adjustment being told what to do. I like having everything planned out for me, but sometimes I don't always see why I am doing everything, or I get frustrated because I am tired or sore or things are different. But I need to be patient. I have only been doing this for 2 weeks! Not being patient with a training plan can lead to injury, overtraining, or make it just plain no fun! I am also working on having patience with some of the people in my life. We'll see how it goes.

Speaking of my training, I have not been perfectly following my plan, that is why I speak of patience. With coach's permission, I did my strength work on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. But, I was planning to swim in the am, but turned my alarm off and didn't wake up! A huge problem for me lately. I had time to squeeze in my strength workout. Then I swam my full swim workout of 2900m after work. But was beat, so I skipped my easy 45 min run...was supposed to do a tempo run this morning, 50 mins total running, turned alarm off again! Did my easy 30 min bike instead, and planned to run after work. I didn't leave work until 7pm, commute home, walk dogs. I am tired. I should have done it in the morning. Need to work on this! Tomorrow morning, I will get up, and do my workout!

I also have 2 of my A races picked, but want to pick another after Uberman:

• Columbia Triathlon
• Uberman

I am excited about developing my speed for Uberman. I think it will help my overall performance.

Work today was long, but interesting. I like days when I have interesting problems to work on. I don't mind staying late as much for that stuff. Tomorrow is our holiday party, so we celebrate until 3 then we are done. Some of the other actuaries were talking about going back to work--even though we don't have to! No thanks! I am working Saturday and on Monday which is a company holiday. I will take my 3 pm closure thank you!

Some more b-day party pics

Maija, the purse model.
Genine--super cookie maker!!!

Freddy--such a sweet friend and talented person. And yes, I am attempting to give him bunny ears and failing miserably...
When can I eat my cake?????
This was jokingly misinterpreted as me saying I was 4...I was actually making fun of a Russian friend at work who makes fun of our friend from Taiwan at work that always does that in her pictures. I also look like I am holding up bunny ears too though...
Mmm bunny ears!
Get this bunny outta here, I want my cake!!!!!
Me and Frito at Matt and Genine's house for Esther's cake party (we like cake...). Frito was obsessed with their bird Milo and I was demonstrating how to make farting noises to get Frito to look at the camera. It didn't work, Milo is always the most interesting thing in the house. Except for cake.

Okay, in am supposed to do a strength workout tonight. But my butt is still sore and my upper body is tired. Hmm, I think I may have to talk to the coach and see what she thinks. Strength training takes a long time for me to recover. Yes my nutrition has not been the best the last few days (see above in pictures), but I try to do a little better after workouts and balance it out a little. I did an hour bike this morning with some moderate intervals. I started off good, then my legs got tired and I had a hard time getting my HR up to around 150 where I wanted it. I got it there for most of the intervals though and did what I could for the rest.

Tomorrow is swim and run. I am hoping I feel a little better for my swim. I get discouraged sometimes swimming so slow and I feel like my technique is not doing that well. I know I need to focus on improving my strength right now and have faith that my swimming and biking will get better as a result. Sometimes it is just hard to see yourself getting slower. And I always like to work on my swim technique and I have not had much help with it at masters and I can never tell what the heck I am doing on my own sometimes.

Ugly masters time trial day

I just came from masters swim. Monday night is like, the worst day for masters swim for me, let me just say. But anyway, since, unfortunately the world does not revolve around me, I went. This was of course, post work, post therapy which both induced a migraine, which was medicated and made me sleepy. I was also so freakin sore from strength training yesterday. My glutes especially! You don't realize just how much you use your butt to swim until it hurts, then that is all you think about--my butt hurts, my butt hurts, ...la la la. And my arms were tired, not super sore, just tired and heavy and moving in slow mo...

So, yeah, today was time trial day! Wo hoo! And not just a 1500m, but several distances. Oh, this is going to be sooooo pretty. (this is all sarcasm for those of you who are not picking up on this yet...) I take extra long adjusting my goggles. Then go to the 'ladies room'. Stall, stall, stall,..I only get in a 50m warm up...smooth move... First time trial--50m all out. All the guys are so far ahead, the lactic acid is building in my butt and legs, can't go any faster, moving in slow motion, hate strength training! Get back in :42...oh goodness, this is going to be a long practice. I do 100 easy, then 100 'all out' in 1:34!? ARGH! Just survive. Eventually, all the strength training will pay off and I won't be swimming slow anymore. 200m 'all out' in 3:16, not as lactic acidy at least. Then 1500m. I swim with Matt and decide to just take it easy. 28:16 I was swimming so slow I felt like my technique was weird just to go that pace, but my butt muscles were cramping. Darn squat jumps! Then I did 100 of shark drill and called it a day. Coach Elana said I need to work on strength (what I am doing!), keeping my stroke the same when I breathe, and I guess I am breathing every 4 strokes on intervals when I thought I was breathing every 3...interesting.

So why was I a sore whining princess today? Well, yesterday I swam and did strength right after. I swam 2700m initially, and did another 500m easy kick for my cool down after strength training. The swim was hard on the strength with some paddle/pull stuff and breath control stuff. Then the strength training was hard on me as it always is.

This morning I ran 40 mins in the cold. Really cold and getting colder every day this week. Eeek!

Therapy after work was good. I must say interesting stuff because I tend to go over 10-15 mins over the hour session often! Yesterday, on my birthday of all days, I took the opportunity to stand up for myself and have difficult conversations with my mom and with Mark. It is difficult to get angry with people you care about and/or with people who have not respected you and your wishes and needs. It was good for me to demand the respect I deserve from both my mom and from Mark. It was surprising to both of them, because they hadn't seen my talk like that, but this is a new me, one that asks for respect from everyone I choose to have in my life. The respect I have always deserved, but didn't always get. My voice should be heard, and it is being heard now and cannot be ignored and it feels good to say what I want instead of being shushed down like I used to be. So, I got to talk about that, my relationship with my sister which I am very concerned about right now, and also about a relationship with a friend here that I am a little concerned about because it is so important to me but is very complicated. It was a long emotional but good session. I am so glad that I go to do this every week. It is exhausting but it helps me so much.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm 29 today! I don't feel any different, other than maybe a little dehydrated and stuffed full of cookies and cake! Genine and Matt spent so much time yesterday making my favorite chocolate chip cookie bars and special Bunny shaped cookies wearing my Splish "fast bunny" suit and and Uber Maija bunny cookie.


They brought over 2 trays like this AND extra cookie bars, so I had to eat bunny cookies for breakfast...I just had to.

One of the few suits that I don't have pictures of me wearing it. Awww too bad....

Esther, Freddy, and me looking a little crazy on the couch. I think I jumped into this picture at the last second, mid cookie eating. Perhaps why we all look a little crazy...

Esther got me a cute black DKNY bag. I think Freddy helped her pick it out. Thanks guys! I tried to find a picture of it online, but do you know how many bags there are out there?! So I have to wait until Esther sends me the pics she took at the party. Freddy got my a book called Style by Kate Spade. I'm looking forward to reading it as I am trying to be more stylish in my older years.

Esther wrote me a really nice "online card" on her blog last night. The picture below from New Years was on there and I hadn't seen it (except for at the party I guess). She hadn't sent it to me, because she thought we looked like a 2-headed monster. Yeah, a hot one! So I stole it from her blog and put it up cause I like it.

I'm headed off to do swim and strength in a bit. Looking forward to it. I love to swim. Something that happened in the 28th year of my life. Last year on my birthday I actually went to masters swim and we did long intervals which I loved. It was a hard workout, but it was great! So I guess I already started to like swimming a little before that.

I'm interested to see what this next year brings. I'm not too worried about getting "old" just yet. Maybe next year I will freak out about it, who knows.

Almost time for my b-day party!

I'm waiting for my guests to arrive and I have nothing to do...

So, I figured I would catch up on the last couple days. We celebrated my b-day and another actuary whose b-day is today at work yesterday with lots of yummy food. I ate at least 5 donuts yesterday! I love Dunkin Donuts! The fact that I lost count tells you just how many I ate. And they sent me home with a box of 10 or so. Why!!!!! Let's just say, Cooper and Frito are quite happy, but Donuts also don't make the best pre workout meal...

Yesterday morning I did an easy 55 min bike on the tacx focusing on single leg drills. My left leg needs this especially as the pedal stroke on the left is not nearly as smooth as on the right. Even easy days can serve a purpose.

This morning I biked 1:15 on a moderately hilly tacx course, straight to a 30 min run outside in the snow. This was originally Sunday's workout, but I asked early in the week to switch it to today and do my swim/strength tomorrow. It felt good and I kept it real easy so it was no problem. I biked at a high cadence which always makes me want to run fast off the bike, so I had to be very careful to go nice and easy.

I ended up going swimming this afternoon because I felt really good and have only swum 1x so far this week due to my skipped masters practice. It was mostly easy, doing some IM, technique, etc. It was fun doing some more of my IM stuff again.
200m free wu
200m IM
2x{50m fly w/ :15 rest
100m ns fr on 2:00
50m bk w/ :15 rest
100m ns fr on 2:00
50m br w/ :15 rest
100m ns fr on 2:00}
6x100m-kick 50, swim 50 on 1:45-2:00 w/ fins, varying types of kick
200 cd
2100m total

I am ready to eat some of Genine's delicious cookie bars, have some cake, and have some fun now!!!!

Uberman!

I got an invite to Uberman this afternoon! Wahoo! Finally! I guess I need to do some speed work this spring and summer. Now that I now I am in, I will see how I want it to play into my overall plan for the year. But I am glad I have it to think about. It should be fun.

I did my bike test this morning. 20 mins warmup, 20 mins all out, 10 mins cooldown. Of the 3 disciplines, biking is now my weakness and I am currently in the worst biking shape. But it was good in terms of stress levels because I had no expectations and I expected it to hurt and be ugly. As expected, my legs gave out on me way before my HR got high and before I got out of breath. I am sure we will work on that. For the 20 mins I biked 7.13 miles, 21.1 mph avg, 102.6 rpm, 158.5 bpm avg HR, and 180 max HR that I really had to work for at the end. The numbers don't mean too much at this point for me, but will be good to see how much I improve after I do lots of biking and my legs get stronger.

Yesterday I swam after work by the way. Not fun. I froze my tail off! Maybe the pool was cold or maybe it was me because I wasn't swimming very hard? I was shivering and goose bumped and had to get out. Thankfully, I was there when the showers still had some warm water. I guess by the time Genine swam, it was gone...

I swam 2650 total, 400 wu, 4x100 pull with 3-5-7 breathing where I really focused on what I was doing with my pull, 5x{25 kick on back w/:05 rest, 50 catchup&fingertipdrag w/ :10 rest, 75 sw,bk,sw w/ :20 rest}, 10x100 on 2:00 all pretty close to 1:40 focusing on technique, 100 back, turn into ice, run into the locker room,...

My birthday is coming up this Sunday. I was thinking about going out and buying a new dress for my party on Saturday. So I was shopping online at Bloomingdales and found a whole bunch of cute ones. Hmm, I may have to stop by the mall after work tomorrow. Just to treat myself for my birthday!

One thought leads to another...

One of the guys in the marketing department showed this to the actuaries today at work. The top 3 "best" jobs are all math related careers. I guess I should feel quite lucky that I have a math major and that my career ranks number 2 on the list, although, the determination of the ranking could be questionable, and I don't work in the lowest stress environment for an actuary.

It got me thinking about how hard I worked as a math major because my original goal was to get my PhD and be a research mathematician. Then, I would be the #1 career. I did start off on that path, but it didn't exactly go the way I planned to begin with and once I was on my emergency plan B, it really was not what I wanted to be doing at that time. Maybe it was me or maybe it really wasn't what I wanted. It was a long time ago. But it seems like yesterday too.

I decided I wanted to be a math major in the winter of 1999. Almost 10 years ago! I was in linear algebra with Frank Anderson. He was 72 years old, ran 110 hurdles in masters track meets and was hilarious. I loved his class and will always credit him as a major influence in my life. He saw the ability in me and helped pull me out of my shell. Sometimes I thought I knew the answer to something in class but was to shy to say but I would get a look on my face like I knew and he would shout "Low!" and look at me. I gained confidence in myself in that class and he and one of the Math advisors encouraged me to sign up as a math major. They got me involved in the math department as a peer advisor and as a teaching assistant. The next quarter I took 3 math classes.

I had a boyfriend at the time who to some degree he was good influence on me. I never would have pushed myself as hard in my classes or taken such difficult classes without him. But in some ways it was such a bad relationship that I almost tried to forget it existed. I have never fought with someone so much as I fought with him. Some of the worst parts of me came out when I was with him. He was a bit of a perfectionist and as his girlfriend, I was an extension of that and needed to be perfect also. To him, getting an A was a failure. Only an A+ was acceptable. But in the math department, it was very rare to get an A+. So I always looked like a failure, even with a 4.0. Or with a hard class load. Because his was harder, he had a 4.3, he was smarter and I needed to be better. If I worked hard, he would outwork me. I couldn't win against him. I knew it was a bad relationship after it was over, but I never really learned anything from it.

Eventually the two of us realized how horrible we were for each other and had a mutual breakup. A planned mutual breakup. "When the quarter is over and we are gone for the summer we will break up, it's easier that way." Seriously. And that worked. And we were friends, and he was actually a decent friend. I haven't talked to him in a couple years, but he was out working on his PhD in Chemistry out at UCSB last I talked to him. He will probably win the Nobel Prize or something. Brains+crazy hard work ethic.
Deady Hall--the math building at Oregon

Anyway, so in my junior year I am super math focused. Only math courses. I am living at Deady Hall. I am taking Abstract Algebra, Real Analysis, and Complex Analysis with the first year grad students and smart senior undergrads. I start seeing this cute grad student Nathan everywhere--at the gym, at the microwave at Deady, in the hallways. I can't even remember when he asked me out. I think it was in the hallway but I can't freakin remember! I was quickly swept off my feet and totally completely head over heels in love with him. We were both crazy for each other.

Of course at this time, I was thinking very seriously about where I was going to be thinking about going to grad schools. I was thinking possibly Cornell, Stanford, Berkeley, one of the really top math schools. Not top just 25, but some of the really toughest schools to get into. Maybe I was just still on that, need to be the best mindset. I never really got to figure out where I wanted to go. Soon Nathan and I got serious and he didn't want me to go away because he still had a few more years to finish his PhD. I could stay at Oregon for 2 years and then go where he went for his post doc. That was my mistake. I never should have sacrificed my dreams or myself for someone else. To some degree, I think I became a little resentful of this and it also made me much more dependent on him. I lost a lot of my independence and my sense of self in doing that. Eventually the relationship ended, and it was one of the hardest things in my life to get over.

It also ended after all the grad school application deadlines were over (at least for the good schools). I sent emails out to the many of the top 25 ranked schools, asking any of them if they would consider letting me apply late given my grades, recommendations, and strength of classes and research. They also had to overlook that I skipped the Math GRE, because Oregon didn't require, so why bother right? Ugh. Anyway, I got many, "Sorry, you look like a great candidate, but we don't have any more slots left, apply next year." I got positive responses back from Duke, UCSD, and Berkley. I also applied to UC Davis for the heck of it. Not sure why I thought that was a good idea, they probably thought they hit the lotto when I applied. Berkley rejected my application, but all others accepted me. UCSD actually had an excellent reputation and was a better math school than Duke. When I visited, the people at Duke seemed nicer. And I actually decided flipping a coin like 50 times and it came up 80% for Duke. So, Duke it was. I went there, I liked NC, I didn't like the math department at Duke. Some bad things happened there. I wanted out, and found my way out. I wanted nothing to do with math for a long time. Moved to Winston Salem, got engaged to Mark, then to moved to NJ.

I didn't learn anything from the relationship with Nathan until recently. I never really understood why it ended and why it couldn't work. It feels good to understand and to realize that making the choices I made then altered the path of my life forever. I will never know what would have happened if I had made different choices. And that's ok. But I do need to look back and learn from some of the past things that I did.

I am happy that I eventually got back into math and didn't let some bad experiences deter me from doing something I enjoy and I am good at.

I was so lucky at the University of Oregon to have so many great professors who believed in me and could see in me what I couldn't yet see in myself. It was a unique department, at such a large school, to feel like you are in such a small environment where you are being taken care of and looked after for all 4 years. Here's me with the Department Head/one of my Differential Equations professors Brad Shelton. He was a great professor, advisor, mentor, biking buddy, and friend.

So, when I saw that the "best" 3 jobs were in math related fields, I didn't expect all these thoughts to come out. But, sometimes, it's good to think a little.

Ducks Rule!!!!

So, Oscar left a comment saying that the Oregon Ducks football uniforms were ugly... I am not fond of the bright yellow combo but I like the rest of them just fine thank you very much...Oscar, did you know they have 384 different uniform combinations? Did you do the math calculation behind this in your class?
I found this uniform to be very cute! We all know what Cooper and Frito will be sporting next fall!
Anyway...enough Duck pride. I am feeling better today. I didn't go to masters swim last night and went to bed early. I felt bad missing class, but I was pretty tired. I woke up a few times during the night so I didn't feel that rested in the morning. I ran after work for 45 mins easy around the moderate hills in my neighborhood with the dogs. Frito and I saw a fox at the end of the run. It ran right in front of us! I still have a strength workout to do, but I am going to do that in a few minutes.

I was so hungry after I ran that I had to eat RIGHT AWAY! Probably good to eat something right away anyway, but I wanted dinner and NOW!!!! So I had dinner and I am waiting a bit before I do more exercise.

I talked to Jen Harrison yesterday for the first time on the phone. She talks a mile a minute! I got a lot of info and she got an idea for who I am. I have to really think about my goals now. Walk through them step by step. I have a lot of potential to improve and to do well, but I want to make sure I set realistic goals too. Hmmm. Lots of thinking to do.

At therapy yesterday the main thing we talked about was how I often don't get angry at people because in the past when I have been upset about the way I am being treated in a situation I have been told by people close to me that I am going to upset other people, that I am being dramatic, etc, so I just stuff my emotions back down inside and feel unhappy instead. So I have just learned often to avoid getting angry. So, I got 'permission' to get angry and especially with certain people if they do something to upset me, I get to get angry with them. Or people who I have been holding things in on because they have forced me to push down my emotions, are going to hear how much this hurt me.

I had my annual review with my boss today. Not the one where I get a salary increase unfortunately...this was the first step in the process. It was good, and I was able to express the need for more time to study despite how much needs to be done at work and he agreed. He also said we would likely be working Saturdays through February though....sigh...at least we will be working them when the weather is yucky out.

Swim test and migraines

I did my swim test yesterday and well, I guess it went well...I was out of breath, I felt like I wanted to cry, my muscles were burning, so I think that means I was at my max or pretty darn close!

After 500 wu, I did 10x100m w/ :10 rest. The first one was 1:29 and I felt pretty good. All right, this is going to be great! Second one was 1:30, and felt pretty good too. I was thinking I was going to smoke all of the 100's out in 1:30's because I am known for being quite consistent on my 100's and maintaining my pace. Third one, omg! lactic acid build up everywhere!!!! I can't breathe! 1:33. This is going to be ugly. 4th one, I can't even keep track of the time anymore, is this over yet? It was the longest 10x100 EVER! Okay, maybe not. I was huffing and puffing at the end with a 17:04 or 15:34 of swimming. When I finished, Coach Joe teased me that I shouldn't be breathing hard yet. What?! I almost got out to push him in the pool! Then I swam 200m of backstroke super easy focusing on my breathing trying to get oxygen in. Then 200 pull, 200 easy swim, then 8x25 of 1 breath and stroke count. I tried the 1 breath, it was not happening today. I needed to breathe! My lowest stroke count was 12, highest was 15. That 12 was really workin' it though. 2300m total.

Then off to the pool deck to do some strength training. I will be strong soon! Squats with the medicine ball up over head. Pushups, lunges twisting with med ball, abs abs abs, leg curls with the med ball, stretching. Then Esther and I cooled down with some aqua giggling, I mean, aquajogging for 10 mins. I am so glad I don't have to do that on a regular basis. Not only am I bad at it, but I couldn't stop giggling because I felt ridiculous!

After the pool, I had a mild headache beginning. Then I went to the verizon wireless store to straighten out a mess from last week. I was there for 1.5 hours! My headache had turned into a full on migraine by the time I left. All the beeping, people, bright lights, ahhh! Not a good place to be. I spent most of the rest of the evening curled up in my room in the dark. I only slept 1-2 hours last night.

I woke up this morning and knew I needed to go to the doctor because I had somehow completely run through all my migraine medicine with yesterday being my last one. I knew one would come again, and it did, at the doctors office. I ran this morning for 40 mins really easy before the doctors appointment with the dogs. I was tired, but the fresh air was nice. And the dogs enjoyed it.

I get so sick of the migraines but I know it is mostly from stress. Once the stress and anxiety go down, so will the migraines. The also seem to be affected by weather and hormones as well. So, it really is frustrating. Ugh! When my stress was down I had them down to 4-5 a month, but now they are back up to 12+.

Where did my pumkin muffin go?

Well first thing, I survived my run test yesterday, and actually sort of had fun doing it. It was windy and a little cold, but not too bad. The dogs got to join me for my 20 min warm up and then I frantically called Genine, because I couldn't remember which buttons to push to get the HR monitor to start recording time. Surprisingly, it was the red one! So off I went and ran as hard as I could for 20 mins. By around 15 mins or so, my legs were getting so heavy and I was slowing down, I knew it. I probably hit my max HR around there. Because I glanced down and saw 190 BPM then. That was my max for 20 mins and my average was 182. I don't know what that means for my HR zones yet, I guess Jen will tell me. I jogged super slow back to the house and then took the dogs for a super slow jog around the block to get in around a 10 min cd. Afterwards I did a 30 min bike on the Tacx easy.

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up with an asthma attack in the middle of the night and had trouble going back to sleep. I don't know if it had anything to do with running hard in the cold dry air or if it was just random.

I went to Dunkin Donuts this morning and got a Chai Latte and Pumpkin Muffin. Then to the grocery store. I put the muffin in one of the grocery bags and brought 3 loads of groceries in (I bought a lot of groceries!) When I had unloaded all of the groceries I couldn't find the muffin anywhere. I thought I had absentmindedly put it in the cubbord, or fridge, or freezer, or garbage. I checked everywhere. No where. Went back to the car. Not there. What the heck. I gave up on the muffin and made some grilled cheese. I took a nap and came downstairs to find the muffin on the landing still in the DD bag. Looks like someone...I'm thinking Cooper since he is well known for sticking his snout into grocery bags and pulling out things he likes...pulled out the bag but then somehow forgot about it, couldn't get into it, or grew a conscience...So I am eating it now and sharing it with Mr. Coopersen. Frito, who also loves pumpkin flavored foods, is tired and sleeping cause he is full of grilled cheese.

I have to go and do my swim test now. Not as anxious about this one. Thanks for all the nice comments yesterday!

Workout Anxiety

I have my first Coach Jen Harrison workout today. And good heavens, it's a run test! And it requires a HR monitor! Crap, I knew I should have got a new one over Christmas break. See my HR monitor is from 2000 and I only knew where the strap was because I only used it for biking last year and the watch wasn't required. I don't like HRM's much. Especially for running. I have always had a hard time feeling comfortable wearing them while running. Guess it is time to learn. So first of all, I was stressing about having to buy a HRM TODAY! I am borrowing Genine's instead and ordering one online. Stress over.

And doing testing! For someone who has to take tests for their job, I have a good bit of test anxiety. Any kind of test. A run test even. Run 20 mins and record the average and max HR at the end. Try to get the distance. I was going to run at the track. Because that provides the flattest most even surface and will be consistent for future testing. But, what if I don't run very fast? I will end up checking my splits every 400, if I don't I will end up losing track of laps! So much pressure! Aghhhhh!

Deep breath. The main goal of this test is to establish HR zones. Not to see how far I can go and see just how out of shape I am after barely running for 3 months. So, I can just run around my neighborhood and stick to the flat areas and not worry about distance and just about effort. I just need to get my HR zones, that is the #1 goal here. Then I can also ride my bike at home afterwards because I was supposed to do that right after my run.

Speaking of goals, when Jen gets back from her girls weekend up north, we have to clearly define my 2009 triathlon goals and my A races. It will help me a lot to know where I am going. Right now I am running around with no map (or navigation system...) so who knows where the heck I will end up. Well, actually there is a plan set up, but I like to have things very clearly defined as to where I am headed. Right now it is sort of like saying..We're going to California...Where in CA--it's a big state, how are we getting there--there are so many ways to get there. And no Kelly, I am not REALLY going to CA, just a hypothetical. I need to figure out exactly what I want to do, and how I am going to do it with Jen's help.

More Party Pics

So of course as soon as I finish my other post I get an email from Matt saying here are the New Year's pics!
What a beautiful doggie--Cooper, sitting on top of the Cozy cave attempts to model his new collar. Will have to get the dogs outside actually running in them.
Frito curls up in the cave. He decided that we were no fun after around 11 or so and that sleeping was much more fun.
Water bottles and a nice comfy hat (I have another one too in different colors) from athlete3.com. Not really meant to be worn with a cute dress, but I think I pulled it off. Once I finally get my butt out the door running again, it will be so nice. I like the pink water bottle the best of course! By the way, why didn't someone tell me that I was a dork running around with the tag on! I hadn't even been drinking at that point!

Genine made some delicious cookies! I am showing off the Maija Michigan Mittens, and pointing to Mt. Pleasant where I grew up. Genine showing off the Esther star cookies and Bob is showing off the Christmas tree cookie that he started eating before the picture because it was just too good to wait!
Genine wanted to try out my Tacx trainer, even in her jeans and nice shirt. She did change from her boots to my bike shoes. She was having a lot of fun. She may just be sneaking over here in the wee hours of the morning to bike.

Curling up in the cozy cave with Cooper! It is very comfy in there!

I can't believe it is 2009!

2009 will be an exciting year for me. I will be turning 29 in less than 2 weeks and making sure to thoroughly enjoy the last year in my twenties. I will be finalizing my divorce and will be learning how to do a lot of new things on my own. I will have a triathlon coach that is writing workouts just for me for the first time ever in my life and will have my best year in triathlon by far.

Last night I had a small party at my house to ring in the new year and to celebrate Esther's b-day. We were so busy having fun, eating cookies, crackers and cheese, and drinking, we forgot to eat the cake I got for her. Whoops! I finally got to wear my cute ice crystal dress and since it was my house decided I did not have to put shoes on with it. You would think Genine had catered the event with all the yummy food she brought! And Matt and Genine brought their camera. Esther got a new camera for her b-day from her boyfriend Armando and took the pictures below. Mat got some pictures of me sporting some of the stuff my sponsor sent to me including the doggies in their swim-bark-run collars.


The girls looking pretty for the camera. I think we were sitting on the cooler...

Now goofy faces...
You know you drank too much when you can't hold your head up to pose for a picture...I swear, I really thought I was looking straight at the camera and smiling! This must have been not too long before I got very sick...

Will post Matt's pics when he posts them...

I think he has a picture of me in the dogs new cozy cave...

Speaking of me getting sick, and Matt the bartender, I had a little too much. Sometimes, you just gotta learn your lesson I suppose. I haven't gotten sick from drinking since grad school back in 2003. I had a lot of fun last night up until the point when Esther was trying on one of my dresses I think and I got sick upstairs in my bathroom, then downstairs all over my dining room table just as our friend Bob came back in the house to say bye. Bad timing...Esther and Armando were so nice to stay and clean up and help put me to bed. I am so lucky to have friends do such a nice thing.

I woke up this morning with throw up in the bed and on the floor. So disgusting! I looked at Cooper and said "That isn't yours is it?" Then Frito, "You didn't eat any of it did you?" Hmm, no response. I'm pretty sure it was mine and that since nothing tasty was involved, Frito did not partake. Not the best way to start off the year. I had the day off to sleep, rehydrate, sleep more, clean, sleep, and finally do a little exercise. I biked 30 mins or so, really easy on the Tacx.

I am actually really sore from yesterday's workout. We had masters swim in the morning.
150 wu
5x200 on 3:45 @ 80% effort (I think I was coming in between 3:15-3:20?) I felt funky
20x25 in :25 ish on :30 this was easy, she told us to do them in :25, so I just tried to work on a technique issue she pointed out. I guess I change my stroke significantly when I breathe, so I focused on keeping it the same. Also, I don't rotate enough now. I used to be an overrotator. Now I guess, I under rotate...
3x50 6 kicks, one stroke, 6 kicks
100 cd
Then we got kicked out by the Hillsborough HS team...
So Matt and I did a 'dryland workout' with Coach Elana. Pushups, dips, stuff with the medicine ball for triceps and abs. I did some squats and shoulder stuff too. Then Matt did pull ups and I did one.

In the pm I did a short bike ride on the tacx, nice and flat, 30 mins.