April 17

Today was different than I planned or expected. From what I had heard, court would be quick, it would take 10 mins. It was a beautiful day, I wanted to spend some time outside, meet my friend Bridget for lunch, do my swim, go shopping, just have an awesome day doing whatever I wanted.

I went to bed early last night, before 9 I think. I was tired and I needed the rest. I spent the night tossing and turning having bad dreams and waking up in cold sweats. I woke up to a sunny chilly morning. I did my 45 min run with the dogs and did strides at the end. It was the start of a beautiful spring day. The trees were flowering. The sun was shining. This was going to be a great day. I just knew it. I was running late and forgot to take my medicine, but got to the lawyers office right on time. We headed over to the court. And waited to go in. It was supposed to start at 8:45 and we were first on the list.

We chatted with the lawyer, she is young, and even though I've had my frustrations with the process, it is hard not to like her in person, she is friendly. We talked about lot of things and she mentioned she was doing the Wycoff Triathlon in June as her first triathlon with Team in Training. And then started asking lots of questions. I was going to joke that my fee was $250/hr...the judge finally got there 45 mins late. While we were waiting I got a text from Joe that said this--failure is being mired in unhappiness...correcting mistakes is growth. I had checked my phone to look at the time, but I am so glad that I saw this. It just made me feel good going in. I was going in to correct a mistake, not really a mistake, but to correct my unhappiness. I wan't failing, divorce wasn't failing. And I needed to recognize that.

Last night at therapy that was one of the big things that I was able to discover about why I have recently been feeling doubt and concern and angst about this when I thought I had moved past it all. The hardest part for me about all of this and in life is often feeling like it isn't ok to fail and being really hard on myself. And looking at this marriage ending as a failure. And as much as I have tried to see it as a good positive thing because I know it is, it is very hard to ignore what you thought for so long even if it is untrue, that getting a divorce is a failure. It was a very difficult session for me, as I thought, I had moved past this. I would have been failing if I had stayed in an unhappy situation. It is just really hard to change a way of thinking and to change in general.

Anyway, so the judge finally arrives. I am sorry to say for miss Kelly f-bomb Dunleavy it was not nearly as white trashy fun as divorce court. At least not while we were there. Actually I'm not sorry, because that would mean I was part of the white trash divorce! We were first, and I was the defendant and I was representing myself. I was a dork and kept looking at Mark's lawyer when I didn't understand stuff, because really she sort of answered a lot of my questions too during the process so I felt like she was my lawyer (it was OUR insurance paying for her...). I had to tell the judge how to pronounce my name correctly, and do the whole swearing in on the bible thing. The Mark was questioned by his lawyer. I was trying to stay as cool and calm as I could. I was listening to all the questions and trying to make sure I wouldn't be confused if I got some of the same questions. Midway through, I started to get emotional, the judge was looking at me. Stop looking at me. Don't cry, don't cry, don't do it. I stared at the wall until Mark was done, then it was my turn. No crying. Not in court. Hold it together. You can cry all you want when you walk out the door. I did a great job answering all my questions. It took forever. Then the judge talked for like 10 mins summarizing everything. It took a half hour. What happened to 10 mins? I guess it could have been worse. I almost lost it at the end when he started calling me Miss Low instead of Zucker. I don't know why.

Then we had to wait for our official sealed copies. He asked up to stay seated. And we had to start watching other people get divorced. After 5 mins or so Mark started making jokes about Cooper needing to wear pants to work (he took the dogs to work and for an overnight visit). I thought I was going to loose it laughing. When you know you have to be quiet and you are going to get in trouble. Finally I was like, ok, it has been 10mins, I can't watch someone else get divorced, I'm going in the hall.

And it was finally over. I cried on the drive home. It was a good cry, I'm glad it's over, I'm proud of myself, I did really well, this has been really hard I deserve to cry. All of that. I got a text from Freddy right then sending me good vibes which was really nice. And was so nice of Matt and Genine to send me emails last night saying their thoughts would be with me. It was nice to have the support. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

Mark came over and took the dogs with him to go to work. I don't know how he could go to work, but that is Mark. I miss the dogs, but I figured, he maybe needed them to get through this too. He misses them a lot and I feel very lucky that I get to keep them.

Then, it was a nice day and I was off to meet my friend Bridget and her 3 year old daughter Billie in Summit for lunch. Hey, it's maija day, why not put on a pretty dress and heels? So, I do and head out the door. As I'm driving I get really nauseous. Like, almost have to stop, can't drive unless the windows are down. I had forgotten my medication and took it when Mark was over. Did I take the right amounts? Did I take all of them. I am starting to think I forgot yesterday because of the bad dreams and night sweats...That must be the nausea. Ok, just need to eat something.

I met them in Summit at the Y and we walked down to a diner. Billie is 3 and all full of energy. She did her first running race (50 m or so) recently, had hernia surgery this week, and is doing a tot triathlon tomorrow. Seriously! She gave me a bag of Easter candy :) I needed it later. Lots of good things on the menu, but I think, I need protein and order a cheese egg and salsa wrap with home fries. It probably would have been very good. I ate as much as I could with the nausea. We had fun talking about triathlons and other life stuff. Talked a little about the day and the divorce and all that. Billie was having a day and didn't want to eat her lunch. I didn't eat that much of mine. It didn't seem that way...All of a sudden, omg I don't feel so good. I run to the bathroom, am I really getting sick? I guess I did eat a lot of lunch after all. Ugh. As I was throwing up, I got a text saying "Congratulations!" from Joe as a response to me saying how proud I was of making it through the divorce today and feeling good about it. I had to laugh because of the timing!

I was shaking afterwards. And kept shaking. I think my blood sugar was low or something. We went to the park and after awhile I was feeling weak so I dug into the Easter candy and woofed all of it down. Poor Billie probably thought I was mean because I didn't share, but I asked her mom if she could have some, and since she didn't eat her lunch, she didn't get any :) I pushed Billie on the swings and did some swinging myself. And spent awhile outside. Then I ate a roll that was from Bridget's meal and Billie had stuck in her mouth. I needed food.

I finally decided to head out. I had this idea that I was somehow going to swim and so my bike that I missed yesterday. On like no food. I went to the Y and they couldn't make change for my $20 so I could by animal crackers. Then she gave me $1. But the vending machine didn't take bills. So I sat on the floor in my dress. And told the machine if it didn't take my dollar I would die. Then I asked her for change. She didn't have it. Then I realised I had 4 quarters in my backpack and apologised for being a mess. The locker room was humid hot nasty. It is either 40 degrees or 90 degrees in there I swear. Okay, maybe that is extreme, but it was hot, I wanted to vomit right on the floor. I try to squeeze into my rainbow suit. Not today. Bunny suit, barely...no big tummy I feel crummy suits with me today. I was planning on feeling awesome.

I take my animal crackers out and eat them next to the pool. The lifeguard is looking at me. If he tells me I can't eat here I am going to punch him! Ok, animal crackers aren't helping! I drink some water, lots of it. Get in.
200 easy feeling queasy but the cool water is nice
6x50-25 drill, 25 stroke count can't get my stroke count below 15, I am meandering I think
800 in 13:08 was not feeling so hot, but all things considered, this really ain't so bad, the whole time I was thinking, if you barf in the pool, they may have to close it for the weekend, and that would really stink, don't barf!
skipped the 8x100's I had next moved to next set 6x50-25 kick hard, 25 kick easy on 1:05
then started 8x100's
4x100 on 1:45 descending...all were under 1:40. I got horrible foot cramps. Which makes sense, since all my electrolytes went down the toilet in Summit.
So I did 4x100 choice after that
Then took a long shower.
And napped instead of biking.

I still feel nauseous, but not as bad. I don't know what the deal is. I hope it is just from the emotions, or missing medicine or something. I would rather that than be sick. My temperature is the closest to normal I have seen it in a long time. 97.1. That must be a good sign right?

"Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat."--Ralph Ellison

"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."--George Bernard Shaw

"There is no failure except in no longer trying."--Elbert Hubbard